THE BABY🧟

[Intro] Nine months ago... I stood at that altar... Nine months ago... I never touched her... So how... HOW... is she pregnant?! [Verse 1] She came home smiling, holding a little stick, Two pink lines glowing — I thought I was sick! "Darling, we're expecting!" — she danced across the floor, I stood there frozen, staring at the door. But wait a minute — hold on just a sec, I never even kissed her on the neck! We've slept in separate rooms since day one, So tell me, Brenda — WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! [Pre-Chorus] (Terrified, accelerating) The doctor confirmed it, the ultrasound is clear, But something on the screen filled my heart with fear — It has three little arms! And what appears to be a tail! The doctor fainted quickly and turned incredibly pale! [Chorus] THE BABY! THE BABY! HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE, LADY?! THE BABY! OH DEAR LORD! IT HAS MORE LIMBS THAN IT SHOULD AFFORD! I NEVER TOUCHED YOU! I SWEAR ON MY LIFE! WHO IS THE FATHER OF THIS... THING, MY WIFE?! THE BABY! THE BABY! SOMETHING IS VERY, VERY SHADY! [Verse 2] Her mother knitted booties — but she made six, Her father built a crib with reinforced bricks! The baby shower guests all wore protective suits, And nobody would tell me the truth about the roots! I asked her: "Honey, is there something you should share?" She just smiled sweetly and stroked her belly with care, "Don't worry, darling, it's a family tradition, Our children always come with... special composition!" [Pre-Chorus] Her grandmother whispered: "It's been this way for years," Then she showed me photos that confirmed my fears — Every child in her family has that same little tail! And glowing yellow eyes! And skin incredibly pale! [Chorus] THE BABY! THE BABY! HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE, LADY?! THE BABY! OH DEAR LORD! IT HAS MORE LIMBS THAN IT SHOULD AFFORD! I NEVER TOUCHED YOU! I SWEAR ON MY LIFE! WHO IS THE FATHER OF THIS... THING, MY WIFE?! THE BABY! THE BABY! SOMETHING IS VERY, VERY SHADY! [Guitar Solo] (Chaotic, terrifying, with baby lullaby melody twisted underneath) [Bridge – slow, creeping horror] (Music box, whispered voices) The day of birth arrived... The hospital was strange... The nurses spoke in Latin... The lights began to change... The doctor screamed: "IT'S COMING!" The room began to shake... And what came out of Brenda... Was NOT A HUMAN MISTAKE! (Long dramatic pause) It looked at me with seven eyes... It giggled: "Hi, Dad!" It had my nose! IT HAD MY NOSE! How is this even... AAAAHHH! [Verse 3 – full chaos] The baby weighs forty pounds and it's only one day old! It speaks in ancient tongues that shouldn't be told! It ate the family dog and asked politely for more! The priest came to bless it — HE RAN OUT THE DOOR! Brenda beams with pride: "Just like his uncle Fred!" Uncle Fred lives in the basement — I thought he was dead! The christening is Sunday — the guest list is bizarre, Half of them are humans... the other half... ARE NOT! [Pre-Chorus] (Pure horror, desperate) I tried to run away, but the baby crawled so fast! It caught me at the doorway, and its grip will forever last! It looked up sweetly and said: "Daddy, please don't go!" "I love you very much..." — AND ITS TAIL BEGAN TO GROW! [Final Chorus] THE BABY! (THE BABY!) THIS IS TRULY, TRULY SHADY! THE BABY! (OH DEAR LORD!) I NEVER SIGNED UP TO BE ITS OVERLORD! I NEVER TOUCHED HER! I DIDN'T DO A THING! BUT NOW I'M A FATHER TO THIS DEMON KING! THE BABY! (THE BABY!) CALL AN EXORCIST — OR MAYBE THE NAVY! [Outro] (Music suddenly stops) (Only the sound of the baby cooing... in a demonic voice) (Baby's voice, deep and echoing) "Da-da..." "Da-da loves me..." "Da-da will NEVER leave..." (Whispered, broken) No... no... please... (Brenda's voice, sweet) "Honey, the baby wants a little brother!" (Record scratch) (Spoken, dead inside) A little... brother? BUT I STILL HAVEN'T TOUCHED YOU! (Brenda giggles) "Oh sweetie... that's never stopped us before." (Music box lullaby returns, slowly fading) (Baby giggle echoes) (Final crushing chord — CRASH!) (Whispered final line) Welcome to fatherhood. [End]