INTRO — anxious/funny/building] I got too much anxiety Fuck—maybe I was born inside of it ADHD got me pushin every set limit Good-girl livin got me keepin shit symmetric ALT: “keepin everything lookin aesthetic” Everything lined up— oh so aesthetic She really knows how to keep it all together Truth is— they never really know though Cause you don’t see the silent cryin Till the volcano blows ALT: “You don’t hear the quiet till the whole damn thing explodes” Whole damn brain burnin out High functioning while I’m fightin crashin out Literal overtime—figurative too Mind racin while I’m tryna hold the room Emotional whiplash just to stay pretty Fit the picture Keep everybody comfy Meanwhile my own damn brain studyin me Mind racin while everybody diagnosing ALT: “Everybody out here runnin ChatGPT tryna figure out what’s wrong with me” But maybe nothin’s wrong with me. Maybe I just learned too early how to step outside reality. Not just mine—everybody’s. Question all of it. Watch how people really livin. Watch the masks shift depending who they sittin with. Pack a bag paint my face bake a cake build a place Never got my nails done right— Bitch please. I barely sleep at night. Most of y’all don’t know what it’s like livin in your head full time. Buildin homes for everybody else while your own walls fall behind. Truth is— half this world performin misery. The REAL work happens privately. Quietly. For the people who would sit beside me— watch a mom lose her shit completely— pick it up— pack it down— throw it out— push through proudly. Cause livin halfway ain’t the way I wanna stay now. “Get your ass in bed.” “Take your meds.” “Slow your head.” Then turn around and tell the world: “Oh she’s SO mature.” Must’ve been a glitch in the system. The doctor asked me today: “You know none of this is actually funny, right?” And I still cracked a grin. Cause what else do I do when life keeps handin me realities I gotta survive in? But the sarcasm hidden inside dancing misery ain’t just what keeps me goin— it’s what keeps me actually living. Well here’s a little secret for you— Yeah I talk too loud Jump around Crash out Feel too much say shit out my mouth But I LIKE the way I’m livin. Don’t wanna waste my whole damn life just sittin. Livin in a lie work all day check the boxes wait to die. Bust your ass Follow rules Don’t blur lines Don’t ask questions Stay in line. But I live sideways. Upside-down. Think too loud when the whole room dumbs down. Y’all trust systems— I trust instincts. Half these people don’t even know what think means. Nah. I just remember patterns. Cause honestly— I really AM okay. Just not in the way y’all measure sanity. Anxiety Depression OCD ADHD Hell—pick a label. Build a file neatly. PTSD? Probably. Everybody coping differently. Me? I sit in misery thoughtfully. Turn breakdowns into artistry. Glue broken pieces back together awkwardly. Throw some glitter on top dramatically. Cause I can find meaning in the misery. And maybe— that’s the beautiful mystery.
