[STATIC BURST] [CHEESY STATION SWEEPER] [ANNOUNCER - huge deep FM male] ONE OH FOUR POINT TWO... THE SPLAAAT! MEATBALL AND THE CRACK! [HIP-HOP BED] [MEATBALL - loud defensive male] Before we start, apparently some people online are saying we're artificial intelligence. [CRACK - dry tired male] Disgusting accusation. [MEATBALL] We are one hundred percent real human men. [CRACK] Biologically inconvenient, but yes. [MEATBALL] And if I wasn't human... would I be able to do THIS? [VIOLENT CRASH] [RUBBER CHICKEN SQUEAK] [MICROWAVE BEEP] [GOAT BLEAT] [CAR ALARM] [TOILET FLUSH] [LONG SILENCE] [CRACK] What did you actually do? [MEATBALL] Exactly. [CRACK] That proved nothing. [MEATBALL] That's what an AI would say. [STATIC] [MEATBALL] Also, education is important. [CRACK] Here we go. [MEATBALL] Geography was always my strongest science. [CRACK] How many continents are there? [MEATBALL] Seventeen. [PAUSE] [CRACK] News. [NEWS STING] [NEWSMAN - formal authoritative male] Our top story tonight. Authorities are investigating a man accused of operating the same pyramid scheme continuously for more than forty years. The scheme has existed for so long that nobody is entirely sure who he originally recruited. Several current members claim their parents were already involved. One man says his grandfather may have joined in nineteen eighty-three... but nobody can find the paperwork. [MEATBALL] So how did it start? [NEWSMAN] Nobody knows. [CRACK] Then how do they know it's a pyramid scheme? [NEWSMAN] Because everyone involved is still recruiting three more people. [PAUSE] [MEATBALL] That's incredible. He didn't build a pyramid scheme. He built a pyramid civilization. [CRACK] Give it another ten years and they'll start excavating the sales team. [NEWSMAN] Archaeologists have already uncovered several ancient motivational DVDs. [MEATBALL] Any treasure? [NEWSMAN] Mostly expired discount vouchers. [CRACK] So yes. [NEWS STING] [NEWSMAN] And in completely fictional international science news... Researchers at Kim Il Sung University in Pyongyang have announced what they call a major mathematical breakthrough. After years of calculation and extremely enthusiastic agreement... they have concluded that Kim Jong Un is... objectively awesome. [PAUSE] According to the fictional study, his awesomeness measures nine point seven billion... on a scale of one to ten. [MEATBALL] That's high. [CRACK] Suspiciously high. [NEWSMAN] The fictional research also claims he is forty-three percent more magnificent than previously estimated. [CRACK] Was there a control group? [NEWSMAN] Apparently not one willing to disagree. [PAUSE] [MEATBALL] Solid methodology. [NEWSMAN] The findings were independently verified by another fictional research team... using the scientific method of nodding very quickly. [CRACK] Peer pressure review. [MEATBALL] So when does he get the Nobel Prize? [CRACK] Probably yesterday. [CHEAP STINGER] [ANNOUNCER - warm pharmaceutical male] Have you ever invented an allergy just to escape a situation requiring more than two consecutive seconds of thought? Do you suddenly become sensitive to gluten when someone asks you to read the instructions? Does fluorescent lighting become toxic the moment you're asked to fill out a form? Have you ever announced you're allergic to dairy... while holding a milkshake? You may be suffering from... C.U.N.T. Syndrome. Chronic Unverified Neurological Triggering. [SOFT CHIME] Ask your pharmacist about HISTAMAYBE. For adults who experience mysterious symptoms whenever confronted with queues, paperwork, mild inconvenience, or the possibility that somebody else might be correct. [WOMAN - entitled dramatic voice] I used to be allergic to dairy, gluten, Wi-Fi, perfume, tap water, artificial light and being told no. [ANNOUNCER] And after Histamaybe? [WOMAN] Now I'm only allergic to accountability. [UPLIFTING STING] [ANNOUNCER] HISTAMAYBE. Because sometimes it isn't an allergy. Sometimes you're just making the entire room participate in your afternoon. [FAST DISCLAIMER MALE] Histamaybe does not treat genuine allergies and this parody is not medical advice. Side effects may include reading labels before complaining, reduced demands to speak to a manager, and discovering the instructions were there the whole time. [PAUSE] [ANNOUNCER, softly] Histamaybe. Maybe you're allergic. Maybe everyone is just tired of hearing about it. [STATIC BURST] [ANNOUNCER - huge FM male] ONE OH FOUR POINT TWO. MEATBALL AND THE CRACK. REAL PEOPLE. UNFORTUNATELY. [END]
