The Wi‑Fi and Me (Are Taking a Break)

[Intro] (Soft, swaying, spoken-sung) Lead: One… two… three… All: Mm-mm! [Verse 1] Lead: I took you out last Friday, doll, to dine by candlelight, Tenor (ooh): Candlelight! Baritone: I wore my lucky necktie—tied it mostly right. Bass (bom-bom): Mostly right. Lead: The waiter brought our water, I was feelin’ debonair, Baritone: So debonair— Lead: Then my phone began to yodel from my pocket chair! Tenor: (Oh no!) [Pre-Chorus] Lead: I said, “Excuse me, sweetheart, just a second, if you please,” All (tight): If you please… Lead: But I was gone a minute… and I came back to a freeze. Baritone (dry): A social Arctic breeze. [Chorus] Lead: ’Cause my Wi‑Fi and me are takin’ a break, Tenor (sparkle): Takin’ a break! Baritone: It follows me around like an overfriendly snake, Bass: (Bom) it won’t let go! Lead: I tried to be romantic, but my thumbs began to ache, All: (Ring) Oh! Lead: So my Wi‑Fi and me are takin’ a break— All (echo, staggered): A break… a break… a brea-a-aak! [Verse 2] Lead: I wrote you “You’re a treasure” in a message sweet and neat, Tenor: Sweet and neat! Baritone: Autocorrect changed it into “You’re a toaster” (what a treat), Bass: (Bom) A toaster! Lead: You laughed so hard your iced tea tried to exit through your nose, Tenor: (Ha!) Lead: I offered you my napkin like a gallant barbershop beau. Baritone: (proud) Behold, the hero cloth! [Pre-Chorus] Lead: Then my phone lit up and shouted, “New terms to disagree!” All: Disagree! Lead: I clicked without readin’—now I owe it half my key. Bass: (deadpan) And possibly my knee. [Chorus] Lead: So my Wi‑Fi and me are takin’ a break, Tenor (echo): Takin’ a break! Baritone: I’m puttin’ it on silent like a misbehavin’ snake, Bass: (Bom) into a drawer! Lead: I wanna hear you talkin’ and the little sounds you make, All (ring): Oh! Lead: Yes, my Wi‑Fi and me are takin’ a break— All (echo): A break… a break… a brea-a-aak! [Bridge] (Old-timey, sincere, barbershop “confession”) Lead: I miss the days when courtship meant a stroll and not a scroll, Tenor: (ahh) Not a scroll… Baritone: When “streaming” meant the creek behind your grandma’s little knoll, Bass: (bom) Little knoll. Lead: So if I get distracted, love, just give my hand a squeeze, All: A squeeze… Lead: And if I reach for pocket— Baritone: (interrupting) You slap me with a “please.” Bass: (approving) Firmly. [Key Change / Lift] All: (Bright, lifted) We can do this! [Final Chorus] Lead: ’Cause my Wi‑Fi and me are takin’ a break, Tenor: Takin’ a break! Baritone: I’m learnin’ how to look you in the eyeballs when you speak, Bass: (bom) That’s the trick! Lead: We’ll save the memes for later—there’s a real-life date to make, All: (Ring) Oh! Lead: Yes, my Wi‑Fi and me are takin’ a break— All (echo): A break… a break… [Tag / Outro] (Classic barbershop tag, lots of repeats and held chords) Lead: Put the phone away… Tenor: Away… Baritone: (crossing) Away… and stay… Bass: (low) Away… Lead: ’Cause I like you in person— Tenor: In person! Baritone: (warm) In per-son! Bass: (bom) In person. All: My Wi‑Fi and me are takin’ a break… All (soft then ring): Aaaa… break! (hold) All (final chord): (Ding!)