Please Hold While the Universe Malfunctions

[Intro – cosmic phone line] [Suno Prompt: eerie ambient intro, analog phone line static, distant cosmic hum, glitchy beeps, faint mechanical ticking, low-space drone] “Thank you for calling the Department of Incorrect Reality. Your universe is currently experiencing… minor malfunctions. Please remain on hold.” ________________________________________ [Verse 1 – absurd narration] [Suno Prompt: jagged avant-garde metal rhythm, angular guitar stabs, offbeat drums, rubbery bass, theatrical spoken vocals, glitchy cosmic FX] Stars are filing complaints Black holes are requesting refunds Time has been rerouted and gravity called in sick The Milky Way is missing three galaxies and one very important sock A comet whispers: “Did anyone notice?” …Yes. No one answered. ________________________________________ [Pre-Chorus – rising tension] [Suno Prompt: staccato guitars, glitchy synths, whispered choir, rising dissonance, abrupt pauses] Hold. Wait. Spin. Float. The universe is… delayed. ________________________________________ [Chorus – chaotic metal eruption] [Suno Prompt: stop-start chaotic metal, deep growls, blastbeat bursts, layered shouted vocals, dissonant guitars, surreal cosmic sound effects] PLEASE HOLD! THE UNIVERSE IS MALFUNCTIONING! STARS COLLIDE! TIME SHRIEKS! PLANETS SPIN! GALAXIES SCREAM! YOUR REALITY IS ON LINE ONE! AND SOMEONE ELSE JUST HUNG UP! ________________________________________ [Verse 2 – escalating cosmic absurdity] [Suno Prompt: jagged jazz-metal rhythm, warped bass, angular guitar lines, chaotic percussion, theatrical vocal shifts, cosmic glitch FX] A nebula stole the coffee From a black hole’s desk And the asteroid belt Has unionized Demanding vacation days The moon filed paperwork Against its orbit And a satellite is threatening to strike Meanwhile, dark matter sighs …because no one listens. ________________________________________ [Bridge – total collapse] [Suno Prompt: slow doom-metal breakdown, industrial cosmic sounds, glitchy synth, deep growls, eerie choir, detuned guitar drones] The universe pauses and hiccups Collapses a little …then sneezes across the office of infinity Gravity calls HR “Please fix your attitude” Time rolls its eyes …and leaves early. ________________________________________ [Final Chorus – maximal absurdity] [Suno Prompt: explosive avant-garde death metal, layered growls and shrieks, blastbeats, chaotic choir, dissonant lead guitars, glitchy cosmic FX] PLEASE HOLD! THE UNIVERSE IS MALFUNCTIONING! STARS COLLIDE! TIME SHRIEKS! PLANETS SPIN! GALAXIES SCREAM! THE COSMOS IS WAITING! AND SOMEONE ELSE JUST HUNG UP! ________________________________________ [Outro – cosmic fade] [Suno Prompt: ambient fade, analog cosmic hum, distant glitchy beeps, soft detuned strings, slow dissonant drone] The line goes silent. The universe blinks. A pigeon on Saturn sighs: “We’ll try again tomorrow.”