[Intro] The shoes are on. The watch is clicked. The playlist is... aggressive. The app is open. Three. Two. One. Go. [Verse 1] The first three minutes are a lie My shins are screaming "why?" My lungs are full of yesterday's air I'm just a metronome in overpriced gear I'm paying for the 10-dollar water I'm about to lose I'm running from the emails I refused The goal is clear, the mandate's set It's not for health, don't you forget [Chorus] Just gotta get to thirty-oh-oh Thirty-oh-oh The app demands a sacrifice Thirty-oh-oh It doesn't care if it's not nice Close the red ring Close the green ring It's a digital-virtual-fitness thing [Verse 2] I pass a guy who's actually fast He's probably in some kind of "ultra" cast I'm just a guy in a high-vis vest Who thinks that "active recovery" means "rest" Ten minutes in, I check the stats I've burned... one-half of a Kit-Kat This is fine. I am fine. [Chorus] Just gotta get to thirty-oh-oh Thirty-oh-oh The app demands a sacrifice Thirty-oh-oh It doesn't care if it's not nice Close the red ring Close the green ring It's a digital-virtual-fitness thing [Bridge] Okay. The 20-minute mark. My podcast guest is boring. My left knee is making a... new... sound. But the watch. The watch is watching. The watch is judging. The algorithm knows my average pace. I can't slow down now. I will not be shamed by a notification. I am a machine. A slightly damp, aching, middle-aged machine. [Drop] Yeah! I'm a god! I'm a sweaty, suburban god! Look at me go! I am lapping everyone on the couch! This is it! [Chorus] Just gotta get to thirty-oh-oh Thirty-oh-oh The app demands a sacrifice Thirty-oh-oh It doesn't care if it's not nice Close the red ring Close the green ring It's a digital-virtual-fitness thing [Outro] Twenty-nine... fifty. Fifty-five... Fifty-eight... Fifty-nine... Done. Stop the watch. ...Now what? ...I guess I'll... stretch? ...Maybe I'll just sit. Yeah. (Fades out)
