[Intro: An exaggerated snap of the fingers, followed by the jazz band's standard "one two three four" countdown] [Verse 1: Light jazz piano and walking bass, the lead singer sings in a smooth, musical theater-like male voice] Fill out the form in triplicate, for the specter you just slew! Don't forget to file the part where it said "boo"! Was its ectoplasm green or a more cerulean blue? Your pension depends on getting this right, it's true! [Chorus: The whole “office choir” joins in and turns into a lively, cabaret-style song and dance.] It's the KPI Rhapsody! (Hey!) Paperwork symphony! Dance for your efficiency! (Hey!) And your productivity! From the midnight overtime, to the morning's steep decline! We're all cogs in the divine, corporate design! [Verse 2: The music shifted to a more retro swing style, and the lead singer's voice became more artificial.] Did you use the company-branded stake? It's on promotion this week! If not, we'll have to deduct points, your performance looks quite weak! And did you remember to upsell the ghost on our peace-plus afterlife plan? There's always room for growth for every woman and man! [Bridge: The music suddenly becomes "sublime," like a parody of a chant, and the choir sings the most ridiculous lyrics in solemn voices] Ooooooh~ We measure worth in ticked-off boxes! Ooooooh~ And therapeutic paradoxes! [Final Chorus: Get even more rave-y with a saxophone solo and tap-dance rhythms] It's the KPI Rhapsody! (Hey!) Paperwork symphony! Dance for your efficiency! (Hey!) And your productivity! There's no heaven, there's no hell, there's only forms to fill out well! In our bureaucratic, spectacular, soul-crushing carousel! [Outro: The music stopped abruptly at a peak chord, leaving behind the sound of the typewriter's frantic tapping for the last time and a crisp "stamping" sound.]
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