Where’s My Krampus?

[INTRO — Ominous Alpine church bells, distant sleigh bells, creepy accordion. A low 808 bass begins pulsing.] [EMBERZ — SPOKEN, SASSY] So I was reading about Christmas in Germany… And apparently Santa ain’t the only one making house calls. Krampus? Baby, where have you BEEN all my life? [BEAT DROP — HEAVY TAMPA JOOK BASS, RAPID CLAPS, JINGLING BELLS] [VERSE 1 — FEMALE RHYTHMIC JOOK RAP] I put on a customer service face every day, baby, it’s getting old, Smiling through the nonsense while my patience turns cold. I’m tired of being everybody’s people pleaser, Some days I just wanna be Ebenezer! Got a lady at the counter throwing attitude, Mad at me ‘cause the sky ain’t blue. Sir, I don’t control the price or the weather, But you and that complaint can leave together! Been saying “Have a nice day” through gritted teeth, While somebody’s testing every nerve in me. Now December’s here, and I’ve made my decision, I’m outsourcing all my Christmas frustration! [PRE-CHORUS — ACCORDION, DARK BELLS, BUILDING BASS] I don’t want a diamond, don’t need a new dress, Don’t need Santa bringing me another mess. I found somebody better for my holiday wish… Big horns, long tongue, and a naughty little list! [CHORUS — BIG BOUNCY JOOK HOOK] Where’s my Krampus? Where’s my Krampus? Santa, baby, you can keep your presents! I’ve been nice to people who don’t deserve it, Now I want somebody with a naughty-list purpose! Where’s my Krampus? Send him my way! Got a whole lotta names for December fifth! Santa checks his list, but I got receipts, And Krampus better bring some extra seats! [POST-CHORUS — SYNCOPATED SLEIGH BELLS, GROUP-STYLE FEMALE VOCAL LAYERS] Krampus! (Hey!) Krampus! (Ho!) Got a little list and it’s ready to go! Krampus! (Hey!) Krampus! (Woo!) I got some holiday work for you! [VERSE 2 — GERMAN CHRISTMAS MARKET FLAVOR, ACCORDION AND JOOK BASS] Took a little trip through a Weihnachtsmarkt, Gingerbread hearts and a whole lotta dark. Saw a horned-up creature with a basket on his back, Said, “Excuse me, sir, I need to talk about that.” He had chains that rattled and a wicked little grin, I said, “Honey, let me tell you where to begin.” There’s a man who snaps his fingers when he wants my attention, And a woman who deserves an honorable mention. One wants a refund on an empty bottle, One thinks yelling means full throttle. I got names, dates, times, and proof, Even got a spreadsheet if you need the truth! [PRE-CHORUS — PLAYFUL, BUILDING] Forget the cookies, forget the milk, I got my naughty list written on silk. Santa’s got reindeer, you got those horns, And I’ve been waiting for you since January morn! [CHORUS — FULL TAMPA JOOK BASS, DARK FESTIVE SYNTHS] Where’s my Krampus? Where’s my Krampus? Santa, baby, you can keep your presents! I’ve been nice to people who don’t deserve it, Now I want somebody with a naughty-list purpose! Where’s my Krampus? Send him my way! Got a whole lotta names for December fifth! Santa checks his list, but I got receipts, And Krampus better bring some extra seats! [BREAKDOWN — BEAT CUTS TO COWBELLS, CHAINS, CLAPS AND SUB-BASS] [EMBERZ — RHYTHMIC SPOKEN-SUNG] Who’s been naughty? (I got names!) Who’s been rude? (Same old games!) Who’s been testing all my patience? Baby, that’s a whole congregation! [8-BAR JOOK DANCE BREAK — PUNCHY 808, CHOPPED ACCORDION, ALPINE BELLS, RAPID CLAPS] [BRIDGE — COMEDIC STORYTELLING, STRIPPED BASS AND ACCORDION] Well, Krampus finally showed up On a cold December night. I handed him my little list, He said, “This can’t be right.” He read the first three pages, Then the fourth, then twenty-two. He shook his horns and looked at me Like, “What’d these people do?” I said, “Baby, that’s just Monday, Tuesday’s twice as bad.” He handed back my paperwork, Said, “Girl, you must be mad!” [BEAT STOPS — DRAMATIC SILENCE] [EMBERZ — SPOKEN] Wait a minute… You’re telling me the Christmas DEMON Can’t handle customer service?! [FINAL CHORUS — EXPLOSIVE BASS DROP, BELLS AND ACCORDION] Where’s my Krampus? Where’s my Krampus? Santa, baby, you can keep your presents! I’ve been nice to people who don’t deserve it, Now I want somebody with a naughty-list purpose! Where’s my Krampus? Send him my way! Got a whole lotta names for December fifth! Santa checks his list, but I got receipts, And Krampus better bring some extra seats! [OUTRO — DARK BELLS, BOUNCY BASS, SASSY FEMALE SPOKEN VOCAL] Well, Krampus packed his basket, Said he’d had enough for one night. I said, “Honey, I work eight hours of this.” He said, “Girl, I don’t get paid enough.” [PAUSE] Neither do I, baby. Neither. Do. I. [END — FINAL BASS HIT, CHAIN RATTLE, SINGLE CHRISTMAS BELL]