Miracle Fläk™

+ Show full styles

MIRACLE FLÄK™ — “IT’S GOT RED DOTS!”

[STYLE / PRODUCTION DIRECTION: 1970s–1980s bargain-bin TV commercial jingle meets absurd live product demonstration. Extremely cheesy, aggressively enthusiastic male pitchman with a huge announcer voice. Cheap electric piano, bright synth brass, handclaps, tacky drum-machine beat, cheesy guitar stabs, fake audience applause and laughter. Studio audience should sound increasingly skeptical and sarcastic. Host is completely sincere and wildly impressed by absolutely ordinary things. Occasional canned applause, rimshots, dramatic “WOW!” stings, record scratches, and overproduced commercial sound effects. Tempo around 118 BPM. Major key. Everything should sound painfully optimistic, cheap, and commercially desperate. Spoken dialogue and singing should overlap naturally like a live infomercial. Final jingle should become ridiculously catchy.]

[OPEN — HUGE CHEAP SYNTH FANFARE]

HOST:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
Have you ever looked at a pair of filthy, smoke-stained drapes and thought—

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
“No.”

HOST:
WELL, NOW YOU DON’T HAVE TO!

[SFX: TRIUMPHANT SYNTH STING]

HOST:
BEHOLD!
MIRACLE FLÄK™!

AUDIENCE:
[weak applause]

HOST:
What makes Miracle Fläk™ different?

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
“The red dots.”

HOST:
THAT’S RIGHT!

[SFX: DING!]

HOST:
IT’S GOT RED DOTS!

AUDIENCE:
[groans]

HOST:
Just one scoop of these incredible cleaning flakes—

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
“They’re detergent.”

HOST:
—INTO A BUCKET OF WARM WATER!

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
“So… detergent.”

HOST:
AND THEN YOU PUT YOUR SMOKY DRAPES RIGHT IN!

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
“Why are the drapes smoky?”

HOST:
LOOK AT THAT!

[SFX: ANGELS / EXPLOSIVE COMMERCIAL STING]

HOST:
THE SMOKE IS GONE!

AUDIENCE:
[polite applause]

HOST:
BUT WAIT!

AUDIENCE:
“Oh, Jesus.”

HOST:
WHAT IF YOUR DRAPES ARE REALLY, REALLY SMOKY?

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
“Wash them twice.”

[PAUSE]

HOST:
EXACTLY!

[SFX: HUGE APPLAUSE STING]

HOST:
WITH MIRACLE FLÄK™!

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
“You just said that.”

HOST:
I DID!

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
“We know.”

HOST:
AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?

AUDIENCE:
“No.”

HOST:
IT WORKS ON CURTAINS!

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
“Those are drapes.”

HOST:
CURTAINS!

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
“Drapes.”

HOST:
CURTAINS!

AUDIENCE:
[reluctant applause]

[HOST LEANS TOWARD CAMERA]

HOST:
AND LOOK AT THESE RED DOTS!

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
“What are they?”

HOST:
WE DON’T KNOW!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

HOST:
BUT THEY’RE RED!

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
“Are they cinnamon?”

HOST:
NO!

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
“Does it smell like cinnamon?”

HOST:
ABSOLUTELY NOT!

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
“Then why did you say cinnamon?”

HOST:
BECAUSE PEOPLE LOVE CINNAMON!

[AUDIENCE ERUPTS]

[CHEESY JINGLE STARTS]

JINGLE:
MIRACLE FLÄK!
MIRACLE FLÄK!
PUT IT IN YOUR WATER
AND NEVER LOOK BACK!

SMOKE ON YOUR DRAPES?
GRIME ON YOUR SACK?
ONE LITTLE SCOOP
OF MIRACLE FLÄK!

RED DOTS!
RED DOTS!
IT’S GOT RED DOTS!

NOT CINNAMON!
NOT CINNAMON!

JUST RED DOTS
IN YOUR CLEANING POWDER!

[HOST SHOUTING OVER JINGLE]

HOST:
MIRACLE FLÄK™!

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
“Isn’t this just OxiClean?”

[RECORD SCRATCH — MUSIC STOPS]

[LONG SILENCE]

HOST:
I HAVE BEEN ADVISED
NOT TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION.

[AUDIENCE GOES ABSOLUTELY INSANE]

HOST:
CALL NOW!

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
“For what?”

HOST:
MIRACLE FLÄK™!

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
“What does it do?”

HOST:
IT HAS RED DOTS!

[JINGLE RETURNS — BIGGER, WORSE, MORE TRIUMPHANT]

ALL:
MIRACLE FLÄK!
RED DOTS ATTACK!
PUT IT IN THE BUCKET—
AND NEVER LOOK BACK!

MIRACLE FLÄK!
IT’S GOT THE FLÄK!
IT’S NOT CINNAMON—
IT’S JUST RED!

[HOST AD-LIBBING]

HOST:
RED DOTS!

AUDIENCE:
RED DOTS!

HOST:
NOT CINNAMON!

AUDIENCE:
NOT CINNAMON!

HOST:
WHAT IS IT?

AUDIENCE:
WE DON’T KNOW!

HOST:
BUT DOES IT CLEAN?

AUDIENCE:
PROBABLY!

[FINAL CHEESY SYNTH HIT]

ANNOUNCER:
Miracle Fläk™.

[WHISPERED TAG]

ANNOUNCER:
It’s got red dots.

3766/7500

MIRACLE FLÄK™ — “IT’S GOT RED DOTS!” [STYLE / PRODUCTION DIRECTION: 1970s–1980s bargain-bin TV commercial jingle meets absurd live product demonstration. Extremely cheesy, aggressively enthusiastic male pitchman with a huge announcer voice. Cheap electric piano, bright synth brass, handclaps, tacky drum-machine beat, cheesy guitar stabs, fake audience applause and laughter. Studio audience should sound increasingly skeptical and sarcastic. Host is completely sincere and wildly impressed by absolutely ordinary things. Occasional canned applause, rimshots, dramatic “WOW!” stings, record scratches, and overproduced commercial sound effects. Tempo around 118 BPM. Major key. Everything should sound painfully optimistic, cheap, and commercially desperate. Spoken dialogue and singing should overlap naturally like a live infomercial. Final jingle should become ridiculously catchy.] [OPEN — HUGE CHEAP SYNTH FANFARE] HOST: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! Have you ever looked at a pair of filthy, smoke-stained drapes and thought— AUDIENCE MEMBER: “No.” HOST: WELL, NOW YOU DON’T HAVE TO! [SFX: TRIUMPHANT SYNTH STING] HOST: BEHOLD! MIRACLE FLÄK™! AUDIENCE: [weak applause] HOST: What makes Miracle Fläk™ different? AUDIENCE MEMBER: “The red dots.” HOST: THAT’S RIGHT! [SFX: DING!] HOST: IT’S GOT RED DOTS! AUDIENCE: [groans] HOST: Just one scoop of these incredible cleaning flakes— AUDIENCE MEMBER: “They’re detergent.” HOST: —INTO A BUCKET OF WARM WATER! AUDIENCE MEMBER: “So… detergent.” HOST: AND THEN YOU PUT YOUR SMOKY DRAPES RIGHT IN! AUDIENCE MEMBER: “Why are the drapes smoky?” HOST: LOOK AT THAT! [SFX: ANGELS / EXPLOSIVE COMMERCIAL STING] HOST: THE SMOKE IS GONE! AUDIENCE: [polite applause] HOST: BUT WAIT! AUDIENCE: “Oh, Jesus.” HOST: WHAT IF YOUR DRAPES ARE REALLY, REALLY SMOKY? AUDIENCE MEMBER: “Wash them twice.” [PAUSE] HOST: EXACTLY! [SFX: HUGE APPLAUSE STING] HOST: WITH MIRACLE FLÄK™! AUDIENCE MEMBER: “You just said that.” HOST: I DID! AUDIENCE MEMBER: “We know.” HOST: AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE? AUDIENCE: “No.” HOST: IT WORKS ON CURTAINS! AUDIENCE MEMBER: “Those are drapes.” HOST: CURTAINS! AUDIENCE MEMBER: “Drapes.” HOST: CURTAINS! AUDIENCE: [reluctant applause] [HOST LEANS TOWARD CAMERA] HOST: AND LOOK AT THESE RED DOTS! AUDIENCE MEMBER: “What are they?” HOST: WE DON’T KNOW! [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] HOST: BUT THEY’RE RED! AUDIENCE MEMBER: “Are they cinnamon?” HOST: NO! AUDIENCE MEMBER: “Does it smell like cinnamon?” HOST: ABSOLUTELY NOT! AUDIENCE MEMBER: “Then why did you say cinnamon?” HOST: BECAUSE PEOPLE LOVE CINNAMON! [AUDIENCE ERUPTS] [CHEESY JINGLE STARTS] JINGLE: MIRACLE FLÄK! MIRACLE FLÄK! PUT IT IN YOUR WATER AND NEVER LOOK BACK! SMOKE ON YOUR DRAPES? GRIME ON YOUR SACK? ONE LITTLE SCOOP OF MIRACLE FLÄK! RED DOTS! RED DOTS! IT’S GOT RED DOTS! NOT CINNAMON! NOT CINNAMON! JUST RED DOTS IN YOUR CLEANING POWDER! [HOST SHOUTING OVER JINGLE] HOST: MIRACLE FLÄK™! AUDIENCE MEMBER: “Isn’t this just OxiClean?” [RECORD SCRATCH — MUSIC STOPS] [LONG SILENCE] HOST: I HAVE BEEN ADVISED NOT TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION. [AUDIENCE GOES ABSOLUTELY INSANE] HOST: CALL NOW! AUDIENCE MEMBER: “For what?” HOST: MIRACLE FLÄK™! AUDIENCE MEMBER: “What does it do?” HOST: IT HAS RED DOTS! [JINGLE RETURNS — BIGGER, WORSE, MORE TRIUMPHANT] ALL: MIRACLE FLÄK! RED DOTS ATTACK! PUT IT IN THE BUCKET— AND NEVER LOOK BACK! MIRACLE FLÄK! IT’S GOT THE FLÄK! IT’S NOT CINNAMON— IT’S JUST RED! [HOST AD-LIBBING] HOST: RED DOTS! AUDIENCE: RED DOTS! HOST: NOT CINNAMON! AUDIENCE: NOT CINNAMON! HOST: WHAT IS IT? AUDIENCE: WE DON’T KNOW! HOST: BUT DOES IT CLEAN? AUDIENCE: PROBABLY! [FINAL CHEESY SYNTH HIT] ANNOUNCER: Miracle Fläk™. [WHISPERED TAG] ANNOUNCER: It’s got red dots.

0/500