[FAST RADIO STATION JINGLE] [DEEP RADIO ANNOUNCER] ONE OH EIGHT POINT TWO FM. Radio for people who should know better. [HOST A - loud, cheerful, stupid confidence] Good morning, degenerates. You're listening to Meatball and the Crack. [HOST B - dry, exhausted] Against the advice of several attorneys. [HOST A] You ever notice Monday sucks? [HOST B] There's nothing wrong with Monday. Your life sucks. [HOST A] That actually explains Wednesday too. [SHORT STATION SWEEPER] [DEEP RADIO ANNOUNCER] ONE OH EIGHT POINT TWO FM. Somehow still licensed. [SHORT NEWS STING] [NEWS REPORTER - serious, formal male voice] Breaking news from the Center for Advanced Fecal Examination and Research. [HOST A] CAFER! [HOST B] An institution somehow receiving government funding. [NEWS REPORTER] Scientists announced this morning that they may have documented the largest bowel movement ever produced by a human being. The specimen reportedly weighed fourteen point seven kilograms and required three laboratories, protective equipment, two forklifts, and the temporary evacuation of Nebraska. Researchers initially described the discovery as unprecedented. However, following extensive peer review, satellite measurements and consultation with the International Stool Classification Board, the record has officially been rejected. [HOST A] What beat it? [NEWS REPORTER] Scientists have confirmed that Andrew Tate remains, by a considerable margin, the largest shit in the observable universe. [SHORT SILENCE] [NEWS REPORTER] Preliminary calculations suggest his mass may extend into neighboring dimensions. [HOST A] Congratulations to Andrew. Finally number one at something. [HOST B] Technically number two. [LOUD NEWS OUTRO STING] [HOST A LAUGHS] [HOST B] We're going to hell. [DEEP RADIO ANNOUNCER] ONE OH EIGHT POINT TWO FM. Broadcasting against medical advice. [HOST A] After this message from our sponsor. [CHEERFUL CORPORATE COMMERCIAL JINGLE] [COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER - polished, trustworthy, warm male voice] Today's program is brought to you by Dr. Crankshaft's Applied Methamphetamine Laboratories. At Crankshaft's, crystal purity isn't merely our business. It's our extremely energetic passion. Our dedicated technicians work twenty-seven hours a day in facilities that have passed every inspection we personally conducted. Need to stay awake through an overnight shift? A divorce? Three consecutive tax audits? Or until sometime next Thursday? Ask your completely unlicensed neighborhood representative about Crankshaft's. Dr. Crankshaft's Applied Methamphetamine Laboratories. Because sleep is just your body wasting company time. [VERY FAST DISCLAIMER VOICE] Crankshaft Laboratories is not responsible for tooth loss, paranoia, spontaneous dismantling of household electronics, arguments with ceiling fans, attempts to arrest your own reflection, disappearance of copper wiring, or discovering that your toaster has been working for the federal government. [COMMERCIAL JINGLE ENDS ABRUPTLY] [DEEP RADIO ANNOUNCER] ONE OH EIGHT POINT TWO. Your number one source for information nobody requested. [HOST B] A trusted American company. [HOST A] Family owned. [HOST B] The family is currently wanted in six states. [LOCAL NEWS STING] [HOST A] Local news! A Florida man is suing his own trousers after falling down an escalator. [HOST B] His attorney claims the trousers demonstrated reckless disregard for knees. [HOST A] He's asking for three million dollars. [HOST B] The trousers have declined to comment. [HOST A] Cowards. [SHORT RADIO SWEEPER] [DEEP RADIO ANNOUNCER] ONE OH EIGHT POINT TWO FM. If you're hearing this, your radio probably works. [WEATHER STING] [HOST B - mock professional] Tomorrow: eighty-four degrees, partly cloudy, light winds, and a sixty percent chance of something falling off a Boeing. [HOST A] Do I need an umbrella? [HOST B] Helmet. [MESSAGE NOTIFICATION SOUND] [HOST A] Listener question. Trevor asks: “My girlfriend says I don't listen to her. What should I do?” [HOST B] Listen to her. [HOST A] Wrong. Buy a motorcycle. [HOST B] Trevor, please never contact this station again. [HOST A] Coming up next: four uninterrupted hours of competitive divorce proceedings, broadcasting live from a Denny's parking lot. [HOST B] Followed by traffic. [HOST A] There isn't any traffic. [HOST B] Not yet. [FAST RADIO OUTRO JINGLE] [DEEP RADIO ANNOUNCER] ONE OH EIGHT POINT TWO FM. Bad decisions. Better reception. [BOTH HOSTS, overlapping] Meatball and the Crack! [HOST B] Unfortunately. [FINAL STATION ID] ONE OH EIGHT POINT TWO FM.
