Sludge

[INTRO - Industrial Hum, Distorted Bass] [Gary - Spoken] You drink water. You drink juice. You drink overpriced sparkling garbage with a lime on the can. You check the ingredients. You read the labels. You ask where your beverages come from. Well, tonight, I've brought something special. Three flavors. Three experiences. One questionable man. SLUDGE. It's probably fine. [VERSE 1 - Aggressive Rap] Walked into the party, saw Gary by the fridge Three rows of black cans, stacked up like a pyramid Purple, pink and yellow, labels looking radioactive Gary said, "They're homemade. Each one's a little different." Chad grabbed the purple can and cracked it with a hiss Took a massive swallow, said, "Oh, what the hell is this?" Creamy, smooth and strangely sweet, a flavor undefined "Gary's Original," he said. "A personal favorite of mine." [Steve - Internal Dialogue] Okay, that's surprisingly good Kind of tastes like vanilla pudding Why is it so thick? Why does it have a texture? [Chad] What's in this one, Gary? [Gary] That's proprietary. [Melissa] What does that mean?! [Gary] It means I don't tell you. [PRE-CHORUS] THREE FLAVORS! THREE SURPRISES! GARY'S GOT NO ADVISORIES! [CHORUS - Explosive Gang Vocals] SLUDGE! SLUDGE! IT'S PROBABLY FINE! CRACK OPEN A CAN AND LEAVE YOUR GUTS BEHIND! ORIGINAL! WATERMELON! SWAMP ASS TOO! THREE LITTLE NIGHTMARES MADE ESPECIALLY FOR YOU! SLUDGE! SLUDGE! DRINK IT DOWN! BEST DAMN BEVERAGE IN THE WHOLE DAMN TOWN! YOU WANT THE FLAVOR? YOU WANT THE TRUTH? GARY'S GOT A SECRET AND HE'S SHARING IT WITH YOU! [VERSE 2 - Faster Rap] Trevor grabbed the pink one, said, "I'll give this a try" Sweet watermelon, lime, with a radioactive vibe Took another swallow, said, "This is pretty damn refreshing!" Gary smiled and leaned in like he had a life-changing confession "There's a little something special that gives it that kick. Watermelon, lime, and sewer water. That's the trick." [BEAT CUTS] [Steve] SEWER WATER?! [Gary] Municipal mineral content. Very rich in character. [Melissa] YOU PUT SHIT FROM THE SEWER IN A SODA?! [Gary] I prefer the term urban spring water. [Trevor] WHY IS THERE A RAT ON THE LABEL?! [Gary] He's the quality control manager. [Chad] Honestly, I still like it. [Gary] THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! [CHORUS] SLUDGE! SLUDGE! IT'S PROBABLY FINE! WATERMELON, LIME AND A LITTLE PIPELINE! SWEET AND REFRESHING, A BEAUTIFUL BREW! STRAIGHT FROM UNDERNEATH THE NEIGHBORHOOD TO YOU! [VERSE 3 - Heavy Groove] Gary grabbed the yellow can and held it to the light "Now this one's something special, got the balance just right Orange peel and ginger, lemon gives it a kick A little natural essence makes the flavor really stick Melissa took a little sip, her expression turned to dread A smell like something living in a gymnasium shed "What the hell is in this? Why's it taste like a shoe?" Gary smiled and said, "That's the sitrus coming through." [Melissa] WHY DOES THIS TASTE LIKE A LOCKER ROOM?! [Gary] Swamp Ass Sitrus. A very delicate brew. [Steve] WHAT THE FUCK IS IN IT?! [Gary] A little bit of my ass sweat. Freshly squeezed for you. [Beat Stops] [Steve] YOUR WHAT?! [Gary] Collected in my recliner, where the temperatures rise A slow and natural process. That's how quality applies. [Trevor] YOU BOTTLED YOUR OWN ASS SWEAT?! [Gary] Bitter. Funky. Real. That's the secret to appeal. [Melissa] THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT BETTER! [Chad] I can still taste the ginger. [Gary] THAT'S THE FLAVOR PROFILE! [BREAKDOWN - Stop-Start Guitars, Gang Screams] CREAMY MYSTERY! DELICIOUSLY UNKNOWN! SWEET WATERMELON! SEWER WATER TONE! BITTER! FUNKY! ASS SWEAT BREW! GARY'S GOT A FLAVOR FOR THE LIKES OF YOU! [Gary - Spoken] You people are so concerned with where things come from. You don't ask where your coffee comes from. You don't ask where your cheese comes from. You don't ask where your tap water comes from. But I put a little love into a can And suddenly everybody's a fucking detective. [Drunk Guy] I'll take a case of the watermelon. [Gary] MY MAN! [FINAL CHORUS - Maximum Intensity] SLUDGE! SLUDGE! IT'S PROBABLY FINE! CRACK OPEN A CAN AND LEAVE YOUR GUTS BEHIND! GARY'S ORIGINAL! A MYSTERY INSIDE! TOXIC WASTE WATERMELON! SEWER WATER SUPPLY! SWAMP ASS SITRUS! LET THE FLAVOR ATTACK! A LITTLE BIT OF GINGER TO COVER UP THE CRAP! THREE FLAVORS! ONE MAN! WHAT MORE CAN YOU DO?! GARY'S GOT A BEVERAGE AND HE'S SHARING IT WITH YOU! [OUTRO - Industrial Hum, Band Slowly Stops] [Steve] Gary, seriously. What the hell is in the Original? [Gary] You wouldn't believe me. [Steve] TRY ME. [Gary] No. [Can Cracks Open] [Gary] Anybody want another? [Chad] Yeah, I'll take one. [Gary] HAHAHAHAHAHA! [FINAL GUITAR HIT] SLUDGE.