[Performance rule — solo female vocalist. Bit performs every character herself through altered intonation and acting; same recognizable feminine voice throughout.] [Intro — animated projected speech; sweet bright tone; fully voiced] Guess what happened today. There was a space-time anomaly in my kitchen. I went in for a glass of water. I came out in ancient Egypt. Cleopatra saw me. She was terrified the Romans were coming. She took off her crown, eyeliner, and scepter and put them on me. She said, "You look like me. You're Pharaoh now. I'm going into hiding." I said, "Perfect. I've always wanted a crown with a pet cobra." [laughing] [Verse 1 — bright sweet singing; playful confidence; pizzicato] Ptolemy wanted to exile me. Said I wasn't a rightful queen and had to leave the palace. I didn't argue. I rolled myself inside a Persian rug, tied on one enormous bow, and said, "Now I'm a present." "You can't exile presents. You unwrap them." Ptolemy checked Ptolemaic law. He searched for hours on end. There was no rule for exiling gifts. So I got to stay. [Spoken Aside — fully voiced; dry] He liked the rug so much, he kept it anyway. [Verse 2 — bright agile singing; glockenspiel] Julius Caesar came with his legions and demanded all the royal grain. I said, "Take it." But first I turned it all to popcorn. Caesar said, "What is this?" I said, "The new currency." "A Roman legion cannot march or hold a sword with both hands full of popcorn." We won the war with a snack. [Spoken Aside — projected; playful] Caesar stayed three weeks. He said the movie was excellent. There was no movie. Just this story I'm telling you. [Chorus — bright projected singing; marching drums] I'm the wisest Pharaoh ancient Egypt ever knew. The Romans eat their popcorn and the Nile keeps flowing through. [Verse 3 — energetic storytelling; light brass] Then I met Mark Antony. History says I sailed to meet him on a golden barge with purple sails, dressed like Aphrodite. I arrived on a pink flamingo float. Antony said, "This insults the majesty of Rome." I said, "It's more aerodynamic. And it matches the Nile at sunset." He said, "We need an alliance treaty." I said, "Of course. But first help me inflate this." He signed the peace just so I'd let him out of the water. [Spoken Aside — amused deadpan] The flamingo is now a national treasure. [Verse 4 — bright resonant singing; playful authority; harp] Octavian came with his fleet at the Battle of Actium. They planned to conquer Egypt. Everybody panicked. I declared the Mediterranean a Mandatory Nap Zone. I played lullabies from every lighthouse on the coast. The Roman ships dropped anchor. The soldiers slept on deck. We won a naval battle with a nap. Octavian sailed away furious— but extremely well rested. [Spoken Aside — mock-serious] Sleep logistics are underrated in warfare. [Bridge — fully voiced spoken delivery; piano only] History says I died from a royal cobra bite. False. The cobra is my personal security assistant. Her name is Miss Nibbles. I gave her a pink bow. She doesn't bite. [orchestra builds] [Final Chorus — bright upper register; full orchestra; key change] I'm the wisest Pharaoh ancient Egypt ever knew. The Romans take their nap time, and the cobra won't bite you. [Outro — animated spoken delivery; playful authority] So yes. I saved ancient Egypt with rugs, popcorn, and an inflatable flamingo. The official history has already been written. Well... I'm rewriting it with a pink marker. And if Rome keeps bothering me, I'll turn the pyramids into giant cat scratching posts. And the Sphinx will have a cat face. I'll be the one approving the new monuments. [laughing] [silence]
