Artificial Intelligence Won’t Take My Job

[Verse 1] Artificial intelligence won’t take my job, That’s what I said to the guy named Bob, Bob got nervous, Bob got wise, Bob got replaced by Tuesday night. I said, “That’s Bob, he wasn’t that good, I’m indispensable, understood?” Then something blinked on a little black screen And did in four seconds what took all week. [Pre-Chorus] But I’m not worried, No, not me— It can’t do what I do… [Pause] …probably. [Chorus] Artificial intelligence won’t take my job! Won’t take my job! Won’t take my job! I got hands! I got brains! I got twenty-seven years And a coffee stain! Artificial intelligence won’t take my job! That’s what they say, That’s what I thought— Then it wrote my report And answered my calls… But artificial intelligence won’t take my job. [Verse 2] It can write a letter, It can make a song, It can tell me politely When I’m completely wrong. It can draw a picture, It can imitate speech, It can learn in an hour What they paid me to teach. But I’ve got instinct! I’ve got soul! I’ve got a password On a Post-it note! [Pre-Chorus] No, I’m not worried, No, not yet— It can’t do everything… [Pause] …can it? [Chorus] Artificial intelligence won’t take my job! Won’t take my job! Won’t take my job! I got hands! I got brains! I got twenty-seven years And a coffee stain! Artificial intelligence won’t take my job! That’s what they say, That’s what I thought— Then it made my schedule And found what I lost… But artificial intelligence won’t take my job. [Bridge — spoken] My boss called me in on Monday. He said, “We need to talk about efficiency.” I said, “Good. I’ve got some ideas.” He said, “So does the computer.” [Silence] I said… “Does the computer have a family?” He said… “No.” [Long pause] “Benefits?” “No.” “Lunch break?” “No.” “Union?” “No.” [Very long pause] …shit. [FINAL CHORUS — huge] ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE WON’T TAKE MY JOB! Won’t take my job! Won’t take my job! I got heart! I got pride! I got seventeen tabs And they’re frozen inside! ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE WON’T TAKE MY JOB! I’ll say it loud Till the day I’m gone— [Music cuts] Automated voice: “Thank you for your service. Your position has been optimized.” [Silence] …Bob? [Outro — distant chorus] Won’t take my job… Won’t take my job… Won’t take my— [Digital voice] Task completed.