If you think I gave to get control, That generosity came with strings, That every gift and sacrifice Was given to buy some thing. If you think that's what I was after, There's something I can't explain— Why'd I spend a quarter million Just to end up with the blame? I could've bought control for a whole lot less Than a quarter million bucks! If power was the prize I sought, I could have saved a bundle—aw, shucks! I wasn't buying your obedience, I wasn't trying to run your show. I was trying to build a future For the family I hoped would grow We spent fifteen thousand dollars On equipment years ago. If we were trying to buy control, Why didn't we have strings to show? And why did we wait for five whole years To put our plan in place? If control was what we wanted, That's a mighty long delay! I could've bought control for a whole lot less Than a quarter million bucks! If power was the prize I sought, I could have saved a bundle—aw, shucks! I wasn't buying your obedience, I wasn't trying to run your show. I was trying to build a future For the family I hoped would grow. And here's the part I just can't compute— If buying control was what I had in mind, I couldn't make you call me family, Couldn't make you see that I was kind. Couldn't make you feel my love, Couldn't make you understand. If I was trying to buy control, I sure had a lousy plan! And you know me well enough by now, To know one thing you just can't miss— I never spend a dollar more Than what the best deal is! I shop around, I find the deals, I make each dollar stretch. If I were shopping for control, I would have paid a HECKUVA lot less! "The Great Quarter-Million-Dollar Control Conspiracy..." "... the defense is ready" Good Afternoon, Your Honor, I'm here today to tell you The accused is the one who orders Straight off the dollar menu! Two hundred fifty thousand dollars For control I couldn't prove? Your Honor, check my spending habits— Does that sound like something I would do?! "Your Honor... the defense rests." "Oh! And one more thing, Your Honor. ..If I were going to spend a quarter million dollars buying control..." "I would have at least used a coupon!" I could've bought control for a whole lot less Than a quarter million bucks! If power was the prize I sought, I could have saved a bundle—aw, shucks! I wasn't buying power, And I wasn't buying control. I was giving to people I love, Because that's just how I roll! You can question my motives, You can tell a different tale— But if control was my investment, That investment was a GREAT BIG FAIL! A quarter million dollars... And I couldn't even get a thirty second video! Now that's a TERRIBLE return on investment!
