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I can't see well I feel like hell I need some help I'm by myself You swore you'd come back home that day I kept my shoes on, stayed awake I heard a car and called your name I watched your headlights turn away My hands went cold against my knees I tried to stand, but felt too weak I didn't move, I didn't speak Just another moment that sits with me By morning I had gone inside I heard her say you'd changed your mind I thought of all the times I'd cried And wondered if that's why you lied She promised we'd be fine somehow The pills were always lying out She slept for days on the couch I'd whisper so she wouldn't shout I'd check to see if she was still alive And ask her, " can you hear me?" I'd shake her arm until she'd speak She'd mumble, "Please just let me sleep." I couldn't stand to watch you shake You'd always say you'd be okay I used to wish you'd go away Then beg the Lord to let you stay I know you had your demons too I watched them take their share of you I know you tried as best you could I watched you die, I feared you would I grew older and watched the sky I counted stars alone at night I learned to say that I am fine but i never left that kid behind So was I fucked up? Was I strange? Was I a piece of shit you couldn't stand to raise? Was I too much? Did I get in your way? What was so wrong with me you couldn't stay? And Mom, I know you tried, I know you were in pain But I was scared of losing you almost every day Sometimes I had to hold you when you could barely move I was just a little boy, what was I supposed to do? Now when somebody loves me, I can't make myself believe I count the days between their calls and wonder when they'll leave I take it out on people who've done nothing wrong to me And hate the way I sound when I say things I don't mean I know you both were hurting, but I was hurting too I can love you both and hate what you put me through You made the choices back then; I was too young to choose And I'm still fucking terrified I'll end up just like you