[Intro - Spoken Word Sample with wind noise] Hey. It’s Jasper. I’m just calling because... I think it’s funny, actually. Like, I’m literally laughing right now. It’s objectively hilarious that you think Todd can handle the emotional labor of a triple-poly-hinge dynamic when he can’t even handle lactose. But whatever. Enjoy the omelette. I’m blocking you on Letterboxd. [Verse 1 - Mumbled, Fast, Anxious] I’m deconstructing the semiotics of the menu While you’re deconstructing our entire future And I think it’s really rich, Bex I think it’s really rich That you’re wearing the flannel I stole from my dad in 2014 While you tell me I have "communication deficits." I communicated just fine when I set up the discord bot! I communicated just fine when I explained the plot of Everything Everywhere All At Once to your mom! [Pre-Chorus - Building tension, Drum roll] And Todd is sitting there With his neutral expression And his stupid beanie that doesn't cover his ears He’s eating bacon like he doesn't know he’s a homewrecker He’s eating bacon like he doesn't know I’m the protagonist of this reality! [Chorus - Explosive, Distorted, Screaming] I’M GETTING VOTE-KICKED! IN FRONT OF THE SYRUP CADDY! I’M A POLITICAL PRISONER! OF TABLE TWELVE! AND MANAGER GREG IS CALLING THE COPS! (HE’S CALLING THE COPS!) TELL ME, SARAH! DOES THE ETHICAL SLUT COVER THIS?! DOES THE BOOK COVER SLIPPING ON BUTTER PECAN?! BECAUSE I DIDN'T READ CHAPTER FOUR! [Verse 2 - Bass only, trembling voice] I’m sitting in the Corolla The Check Engine light is on And it matches the panic in my chest. I checked my Hinge matches And it’s just a bot that wants me to buy crypto. Is this my life now? Am I just a side character in Todd’s biopic? I have so much potential. My high school teachers said I had so much potential. Now I have sticky hands and no primary partner. [Bridge - Slow build, Spoken Word to Crying] It’s just... it’s the performative cruelty of it all, you know? Like, why the IHOP? Why not a neutral location? You know I have trauma associated with breakfast foods since my dad left to get milk (metaphorically). And now I’m banned. I’m legally trespassed. Do you know how hard it is to find a 24-hour diner with good Wi-Fi in this economy? But fine. Take the beanbag. Take the calendar. Take the shared Spotify Premium family plan. I’ll just listen to ads. I’ll listen to ads and think about how you betrayed the dialectic! [Chorus - Maximum Volume, Chaotic] I’M THE VICTIM OF A VIBE SHIFT! (A VIBE SHIFT!) TODD CAN’T NAME THREE SONGS BY AMERICAN FOOTBALL! (HE ONLY KNOWS 'NEVER MEANT'!) I HOPE THE SYRUP IS COLD! I HOPE THE WAFFLES ARE SOGGY! I HOPE YOU THINK OF ME! EVERY TIME YOU SEE A BLUEBERRY! [Outro - Guitar Feedback, Whispered] I still have the key... I’m gonna leave it under the mat... Text me if you change your mind... Please. [End]
