I Checked My Symptoms With Dr Google

[Verse 1] Woke up with a headache and a twitch in my eye Thought, “Probably nothing,” but I typed it anyway Three clicks later I’m emotionally wrecked Apparently I’ve got six rare things I’ve never even met Says fatigue means danger Sneezing means despair A mild rash on my elbow Means I’ve got three months, prepare [Pre-Chorus] I just wanted reassurance Maybe vitamins or rest Now I’m choosing between Which disease I like best [Chorus] 🎤 I checked my symptoms with Dr Google Now I’m legally afraid Every answer says “consult a professional” Or “You should’ve come yesterday” I had a cough, I had a chill Now I’m updating my will I checked my symptoms with Dr Google And I’m not okay [Verse 2] It says my heart rate’s too enthusiastic My posture’s aggressively wrong That pain in my side could be nothing at all Or a chapter headline all its own I clicked “Images” — that was a mistake I should’ve known better than that Now my browser history thinks I’m actively dying of seven things at once, congrats [Pre-Chorus] There’s a forum from 2006 Where a guy sounds just like me He stopped posting halfway through Which is not comforting [Chorus] 🎤 I checked my symptoms with Dr Google Now I’m pacing the floor Every link says “rare but serious” And then “rare” a few times more I just wanted peace of mind Now I’ve lost all peace I owned I checked my symptoms with Dr Google And I should’ve left it alone [Bridge – spoken / breakdown] “It’s probably stress.” “It’s probably dehydration.” “It’s probably anxiety.” “Or… it’s lupus.” (beat drops back in) [Final Chorus] 🎤 I checked my symptoms with Dr Google Now I flinch when my phone vibrates I’ve diagnosed myself three times today And they all end… badly I’ll drink some water, take a nap Ignore the doom I just unlocked I checked my symptoms with Dr Google Doctor says… stop [Outro] (soft, resigned) I’m logging off… I’m logging off…