Hell Moved to Texas Y’all (Verse 1) Stepped outside, Lord, I thought I’d crossed the pearly gate, Then Satan hollered, “Nah, girl… Texas owns this place.” My boots done melted to the blacktop down the street, Even rattlesnakes are wearin’ oven mitts on their feet. That sun ain’t shinin’, it’s throwin’ haymakers, y’all, Buzzards flying backwards just to catch a breeze at all. Ain’t sweated this much since the preacher caught me cussin’, My Wrangler jeans got me feelin’ like a crockpot’s been buzzin’. (Pre-Chorus) Humidity so thick you gotta chew before you breathe, Mosquitoes carry canteens and they laugh at me. (Chorus) It’s hotter than holy hell, hotter than Satan’s seat, Lucifer done packed his bags and moved six feet deep. Got swamp-ass so bad my britches need a life raft, Humidititties got me clappin’ every time I laugh. If the Devil needs a vacation, he comes down here to fry, Then turns around and says, “Y’all… this heat ain’t right!” When Hell gets too dang hot and the demons all retreat, They rent a double-wide somewhere outside of Waco, Texas heat. ⸻ (Verse 2) Dog won’t chase the mailman, cat won’t chase a mouse, They’re both layin’ spread-eagle underneath the house. Cows are makin’ curdled milk before they hit the barn, Even the tumbleweeds are beggin’ for a Walmart fan. Sweet tea’s boilin’ right inside the mason jar, Beer gets warm before I make it to the truck in the yard. Grandma said, “Quit bellyachin’, this ain’t nothin’, girl.” Then she fried an egg on the mailbox just for fun. (Pre-Chorus) Air conditioner prayin’ louder than the church on Sunday morn’, Electric meter spinnin’ like it’s sponsored by the Lord. (Chorus) It’s hotter than holy hell, hotter than Satan’s seat, Lucifer done packed his bags and moved six feet deep. Got swamp-ass so bad my britches need a life raft, Humidititties got me clappin’ every time I laugh. If the Devil needs a vacation, he comes down here to fry, Then turns around and says, “Y’all… this heat ain’t right!” When Hell gets too dang hot and the demons all retreat, They rent a double-wide somewhere outside of Waco, Texas heat. ⸻ (Bridge) Ain’t no shade, ain’t no breeze, just sun with an attitude, Sweat drippin’ off places I didn’t know could ooze. My truck seat branded “Texas” on the back of my legs, Got third-degree regrets every time I check my eggs. Flip-flops stickin’ to the pavement, bacon fryin’ on a hood, If this ain’t the Devil’s driveway, then buddy, it’s close enough for good. Even Satan’s callin’ Heaven sayin’, “Can I crash tonight?” God said, “Not until October…” “Well, dang… y’all were right.” ⸻ (Final Chorus) It’s hotter than holy hell, hotter than a sinner’s prayer, Even cuss words evaporate before they hit the air. Swamp-ass got its own ZIP code, Lord, somebody send relief, Humidititties got me sweatin’ through my Sunday church T-shirt sleeves. If you’re lookin’ for the Devil, don’t waste your gas or time, He’s under a mesquite tree drinkin’ Lone Star, cryin’. He looked me dead in the eye and said with defeat— “Buddy… Hell ain’t got nothin’ on this Texas heat!” (Outro) Some folks brag on beaches… some brag on mountain peaks… Down here we just survive from June till Halloween.
