[Intro] Okay. I promised my therapist I was gonna handle conflict better. So everybody stay calm. Especially me. ... Who the fuck invited Mienshao? [Verse 1] Look at this motherfucker. Sleeves to the floor, little focused face, standing there like he personally invented kung fu. Mienshao. Fifty levels of martial arts just to learn how to beat people with a fucking bathrobe. Holy shit. You didn’t evolve. You finally qualified for retirement. Took you fifty fucking levels to grow the moustache, you wrinkled old fuck. High Jump Kick. Go ahead, grandpa. I’m right here. [Impact] YOU MISSED?! You missed a fucking gorilla. I’m RED. I’m ROUND. I take up half the goddamn room. How the fuck did you kick the FLOOR? Somebody come get this geriatric bastard before he breaks a hip. And there he goes. Regenerator. Of course. Sit down, old fuck. Catch your breath. Put a Band-Aid on your dignity. I got somebody else to embarrass. [Hook] I’m trying to calm down. I’m trying real fucking hard. Breathe in. Breathe out. Count to ten. One... two... Nah. Somebody here is about to piss me off again. [Verse 2] Escavalier. Knight in shining armor. Small problem. THAT SHIT BELONGS TO SOMEBODY ELSE. You mugged a Shelmet and started calling yourself “Sir.” That’s not nobility. That’s stolen valor with a pointy helmet. Two lances. Why two? You planning to miss me in fucking stereo? Full armor. Two weapons. Steel plating. Battle-ready. And you move like the war ended yesterday. Base twenty Speed? By the time you finish charging, that armor’s gonna belong in a museum. You came dressed for the Crusades and move at continental drift speed. And this is the best part. All that armor. All that steel. Two giant lances. And I’m standing here with two bare fucking hands. Imagine getting fully dressed for war just to lose to a pissed-off monkey! Grand chevalier my ass. By the way... Shelmet wants his house back. [Breakdown] Come on. MOVE. MOVE! I have seen funerals with better fucking pacing! [Hook] I’m trying to calm down. I’m trying real fucking hard. Breathe in. Breathe out. Think positive thoughts. ... Wait. Mienshao? You again, you wrinkled old fuck? Fake Out. U-turn. Regenerator. That’s not martial arts. That’s a fucking hit-and-run. One cheap shot, one Uber home, and your health insurance does the rest. You know what? Go ahead. Take your little break. Rest those knees, grandpa. I’ll deal with the garbage. ... What the fuck is that smell? [Verse 3] Trubbish. I normally ask who raised somebody. In your case, apparently it was landfill chemistry. You weren’t born. Trash fermented until the universe made a mistake. Your mother was a garbage bag. Your father was probably something leaking behind a dumpster. And your Ability? STENCH. That’s it? Game Freak looked at your entire biological potential and wrote down: “Fucking reeks... yeah, ship it.” That’s not an Ability. That’s a landlord complaint. You smell like ass so aggressively people physically flinch. Congratulations. You weaponized not taking a shower. [Half-Time Hook] Breathe in. ... FUCK. Breathe out. ... NO, SERIOUSLY. HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO BREATHING EXERCISES NEXT TO THIS THING?! [Riff] And then there’s Aftermath. Let me get this straight. You have to get KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT before you become useful? You gotta get knocked unconscious before anybody benefits from you? That is fucking depressing. Special skills: Smells bad. Leaks. Dies productively. Outstanding. And your evolution? Garbodor. WOW. What a journey. You start life as a bag of garbage... and through years of hard work, personal growth, and determination... you become A BIGGER FUCKING BAG OF GARBAGE. Inspiring. Absolutely inspiring. [Hook] I’m trying to calm down. I’m trying real fucking hard. Breathe in. Breathe out. Positive thoughts. Happy thoughts. Smile. Be nice. ... Okay. I’m good. I’m fucking good. ... Mienshao? No. No fucking way. YOU CAME BACK AGAIN?! How many fucking lives does this ancient bastard have? Look at you. Punch punch kick whip spin combo... You done? Cool. My turn. You need a twenty-hit combo and a finishing move. I need one fist and approximately half a second. That’s the difference between martial arts and getting your ass beat. High Jump Kick. Come on, grandpa. One more time. [Impact] ... Floor wins again. Regenerator... Regenerator... You wrinkled old fuck. At this point I’m not fighting you. I’m fighting your fucking insurance company. [Final Breakdown] FUCK! Okay. Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out. Relax the shoulders. Unclench the fists. I’m calm. I’m cool. Walk away. Be the bigger person. ... See? Personal fucking growth. ... YOU LITTLE FUCKER, COME BACK HERE! [Crushing riff] SEE?! I WAS CALM! YOU HAD TO PUSH IT! AND NOW I WANNA BREAK YOUR FUCKING FACE! [Dead stop] ... Not my fault. I fucking tried. [Final crushing hit] ANGER MANAGEMENT ONLY WORKS IF EVERYBODY ELSE STOPS BEING AN ASSHOLE! [Feedback]
