THE BOB PROBLEM

They said we had a Bob problem. “How many?” Nobody answered. Why? They were counting. How long have they been counting? Three days. ...Oh. Then something behind the cabin yelled “BOB!” And forty-seven voices answered. WE HAVE A BOB PROBLEM. Started with a doll hanging under a tree Then another little Bob appeared mysteriously One beside the water, two beneath the stairs Three sitting quietly like they’d always been there Bob by the lantern, Bob beneath the moon Somebody said, “Relax, they’ll be leaving soon” That was seven nights and eighty Bobs ago Nobody remembers where the first Bob chose to go We counted every Bob We counted twice We made a little list The list was nice Then Bob took the list And made another Bob WE HAVE COMPLETELY LOST CONTROL OF THIS JOB WE HAVE A BOB PROBLEM BOBS EVERYWHERE BOBS IN THE WATER BOBS IN THE AIR BOBS ON THE WALKWAY BOBS UNDER THE LOG SOMETHING HUGE JUST MOVED THAT’S DRAGON BOB WE HAVE A BOB PROBLEM NOBODY KNOWS WHY EVERY TIME WE COUNT THEM THE NUMBER MULTIPLIES ONE BOB BECAME TWO THEN TWO BECAME A MOB WELCOME TO THE BAYOU WE HAVE A BOB PROBLEM We tried identification That didn’t go well Asked every Bob for a name to yell First Bob said Bob Next Bob said Bob Third Bob looked offended and also said Bob Bob number four simply pointed at five Bob number six said, “Is seven still alive?” Seven yelled, “BOB!” Eight answered back Then seventeen Bobs came running from the shack Hold on. Which Bob started this? Bob. WHICH BOB? That one. They’re ALL Bob! Exactly. You’re not helping. Nobody asked Bob to help. WE HAVE A BOB PROBLEM BOBS EVERYWHERE BOBS IN THE CYPRESS BOBS IN YOUR CHAIR BOBS BY THE CANDLES BOBS IN THE FOG BOB MADE A BOB THAT MADE ANOTHER BOB WE HAVE A BOB PROBLEM NOBODY KNOWS WHY EVERY TIME WE COUNT THEM THE NUMBER MULTIPLIES ONE BOB BECAME TWO THEN TWO BECAME A MOB WELCOME TO THE BAYOU WE HAVE A BOB PROBLEM New plan. Everybody stay exactly where you are. No moving. No making another Bob. No decorating another Bob. And absolutely nobody wake Dragon Bob. Why? Because Dragon Bob has been collecting them. Collecting what? Bobs. How many? Look up. ...Oh, fuck. Purple wings open and the whole swamp shakes Twenty little Bobs swinging when Bob wakes Bob on every horn, Bob along the back Little wooden Bobs dressed in purple and black Dragon Bob stretches, everybody ducks One Bob falls down and lands in the muck We pull Bob out, turn around to leave Now twelve more Bobs are hanging from the trees THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS. Getting? Good point. Big Bob, small Bob Bob in the rain Bob on the roof Bob blocking the lane Bob with a mask Bob with a light Bob that appeared in the middle of the night Bob making Bob Bob carrying Bob Bob asking another Bob “Are you also Bob?” Bob says yes Of course Bob does Nobody remembers what normal even was WE HAVE A BOB PROBLEM SOUND THE ALARM THERE’S BOB BY THE CABIN AND BOB ON MY ARM BOBS IN THE BRANCHES BOBS IN THE BOG MOVE OUT THE WAY HERE COMES DRAGON BOB WE HAVE A BOB PROBLEM THE COUNTING IS DONE WE STOPPED AT A HUNDRED THEN FOUND FORTY-ONE NO PLAN CAN CONTAIN THEM NO LIST DOES THE JOB THE BAYOU DOESN’T HAVE BOBS THE BAYOU IS BOB Wait. I think I figured it out. What? There isn't a Bob problem. Finally. The problem is us. What? Bob seems perfectly happy. ... Look around. The dolls are happy. Masked Bob is happy. Dragon Bob is definitely happy. So? Maybe Bob isn't the problem. Then what are we supposed to do with all these Bobs? Give them snacks? BOB! BOB! BOB! BOB! WE DON'T HAVE A BOB PROBLEM WE HAVE A BOB HOME EVERY STRANGE BOB HAS SOMEWHERE TO ROAM BOBS IN THE CYPRESS BOBS IN THE FOG BOBS RIDING PROUDLY ON DRAGON BOB WE DON'T HAVE A BOB PROBLEM WE FINALLY UNDERSTAND THERE'S ALWAYS MORE ROOM FOR ONE MORE IN THIS LAND SO OPEN THE WALKWAY UNLOCK THE DOOR IF ONE BOB IS WONDERFUL THEN WHY NOT A HUNDRED MORE? How many Bobs are there now? Don't. I just want to know. Don't. One hundred and BOB! ...Did another one just arrive? Yep. Should we add Bob to the list? What list? Exactly. Welcome home, Bob. ...Good Bob.