[Intro] [Quiet acoustic guitar strumming, rustling cardboard box] [Spoken word - confused, squinting] "Okay... let's see step one." "Does this wooden peg go into hole A or hole B?" "There are no letters... it's just a picture of a sad Swedish elf pointing at a screw." "That doesn't help me!" [Deafening pinch harmonic explosion, fast thrash beat drops] [Screamed] WHERE IS CAM LOCK NUMBER FOUR?! [Verse 1] [Fast, bouncy crossover thrash riff] Unpacking the cardboard across the floor! There’s forty-seven wooden dowels and nothing more! I’m twisting the tiny hex wrench with my hand! Following a diagram I don't understand! The side panel's backwards, the top piece is flipped! My knuckles are bleeding, my patience has slipped! [Pre-Chorus] [Heavy, chunky palm-muted guitar chugs] [Whispered - intense, unhinged] Wait... why is there a leftover screw? [Shouted] THERE'S ALWAYS A LEFTOVER SCREW! [Tempo drops into a heavy groove] [Chorus] [Massive, catchy crossover metal anthem with shouted gang vocals] FLAT-PACK FURNITURE! CARDBOARD AND CAM LOCKS! BUILDING MY OWN PRISON OUT OF PRESSED WOOD BLOCKS! THE ALLEN WRENCH IS BLISTERing MY FINGERS TO THE BONE! I WISH I HAD BOUGHT THIS THING PRE-BUILT FROM A ZONE! SWEDISH TORTURE DEVICE! CARDBOARD CATASTROPHE! THIS BOOKSHELF IS DESTROYING ALL MY DIGNITY! [Verse 2] [Funk-metal bass groove with rapid snare hits] [Spoken skit over the bassline] "Hand me the Phillips head screwdriver." "Which one? The green handle or the red handle?" "The one that isn't currently rolling under the couch into the shadow dimension!" [Screamed metal vocals] THE FLOOR MONSTER HAS CLAIMED THE HARDWARE! [Guitar Solo] [Absurdly technical, chaotic sweep-pick guitar shredding over breakneck thrash drums] [Bridge] [Music cuts instantly to smooth, gentle elevator jazz piano] [Spoken skit - calm, instructional voice] Congratulations. You have completed the main frame. Please note that the structure may lean slightly to the left. This is normal and adds character. [Long silence] [Sudden heavy drum roll and blood-curdling screaming] IT'S WOBBLING! IT'S TOTALLY WOBBLING! [Breakdown] [Crushing, ultra-slow slam-metal breakdown] [Guttural Growl] WOBBLE! [Heavy guitar slam] SHIM! [Double bass kick] FOLDING CARDBOARD UNDER THE LEG! PRAY IT DOESN'T COLLAPSE! [Guttural Screaming] HOLD UP THE BOOKS! [Outro] [Fast, high-speed punk-metal sprint] Bookshelf! Bookshelf! Hold the weight! Collapsed in three seconds, what a fate! [Music abruptly cuts off] [Loud crash of falling books and wooden boards] [Spoken skit - exhausted, defeated whisper] ...we're just going to put the books on the floor from now on. [Sighs deeply]
