Silent Night, Loud Thoughts

_."._."._.'○'._."._."._."._.'○'._."._."._."._.'○'._."._."._ Fake snow falling from a broken sky Plastic smiles say “you’ll be fine” I wrap my heart in shiny paper It still leaks through, guess I’m a hater Mom asks gently, “are you okay?” I say “yeah” in a festive way There’s glitter stuck in my anxiety Ho ho holy irony _."._."._.'○'._."._."._."._.'○'._."._."._."._.'○'._."._."._ I count my blessings, miscount my flaws Hang my doubts next to Santa Claus Everyone’s warm, everyone’s fed So why do I feel emotionally dead? _."._."._.'○'._."._."._."._.'○'._."._."._."._.'○'._."._."._ It’s a merry little meltdown tonight Candles burning just a bit too bright I smile wide, teeth clenched tight Silent night, loud thoughts inside Raise a glass to another year gone wrong Sing along to the same old song If joy’s a gift, mine got delayed Express shipping straight to my pain _."._."._.'○'._."._."._."._.'○'._."._."._."._.'○'._."._."._ Stockings stuffed with expectations I got socks and mild dissociation Couples kissing under mistletoe I kiss my phone, it ghosts me though Grandma says “time heals all” Mine just circles like a missed call There’s peace on earth, goodwill too Must be lost somewhere en route _."._."._.'○'._."._."._."._.'○'._."._."._."._.'○'._."._."._ I bake my feelings into pies Serve them warm with practiced lies They say “wow, you’re glowing bright” Yeah, it’s burnout, festive edition tonight _."._."._.'○'._."._."._."._.'○'._."._."._."._.'○'._."._."._ It’s a merry little meltdown tonight Candy-coated existential fright Laugh it off, keep it light Silent night, loud thoughts inside Wrap regret in red and green Call it “growth”, call it “healing” If hope’s a star, I waved goodbye It said “see you next December”, sighed _."._."._.'○'._."._."._."._.'○'._."._."._."._.'○'._."._."._ Dear Santa, I don’t need much Just a brain that doesn’t self-destruct Or maybe socks, surprise me please One for my heart, one for my knees _."._."._.'○'._."._."._."._.'○'._."._."._."._.'○'._."._."._ It’s a merry little meltdown tonight Snowflakes falling like bad advice I’ll survive, I always do Even when I’m tired of being “strong and true” So cheers to me, still standing here Dressed in joy and seasonal fear If this is peace, I’ll take the mess Merry Christmas, I guess, I guess. _."._."._.'○'._."._."._."._.'○'._."._."._."._.'○'._."._."._