[Intro: Fast Fiddle Solo vs. Accordion] [Sound effect: Radio Static tuning in] [MALE VOCALS - Theatrical & Smooth] Oh, look at you! Still crying over your mortal coil? Let’s skip the pleasantries, you waste of soil! I see you met the other guy, the one with the horns? Honey, he’s a rose bush... without the thorns! [Verse 1: Bouncy Swing Rhythm] He offers you pain? Ha! That’s adorable, really. His torture methods are frankly quite silly. "Oh, boiling oil!" "Oh, rusty chains!" Please, that’s so boring, it hurts my brains! I bring the trauma, the psychological dread, I’ll make you wish your daddy had pulled out instead! [Pre-Chorus: Rising Brass Section] (Vocals getting louder/arrogant) He’s a budget-bin demon, a clearance-rack sin! Look at his outfit! Look at his chin! He smells like sulfur and desperate regret, I’m the best trauma you’re ever gonna get! [Chorus: Huge Big Band Explosion] [Fast Tempo, Trumpets Blaring] I’m the **BETTER NIGHTMARE**, the premium brand! I’ve got your misery right in my hand! He’s amateur hour, I’m the main event! The money was wasted, the patience is spent! Forget the old devil, he’s lost his touch, I’m the one you’ll be hating... so very much! [Verse 2: Fast Patter Section] [Rhythm speeds up significantly - like a rap] (Extremely fast delivery) Check-the-stats, check-the-facts, I'm the one who attacks With the style and the grace and the knife in the backs! He's clumsy, he's loud, he's a stain on the floor I'm the classy catastrophe you're begging for! He fingers your soul with his greasy old mitts I shatter your psyche into tiny little bits! Did I mention his mother was a three-legged goat? I'm the lump in your throat, I'm the leak in your boat! [Bridge: Sudden Slowdown / "Radio" Filter] [Music drops to just a creepy piano] [Voice sounds distorted/old radio] *Static* ...Why settle for "Ouch"... When you could have... [Scream] DEVASTATION? [Chorus: Final Grand Finale] [Maximum Volume, Chaotic Brass and Fiddle] I’m the **BETTER NIGHTMARE**, the premium brand! (Ad-lib: Look at me! I'm gorgeous!) He’s amateur hour, I’m the main event! (Ad-lib: He's a f*cking joke!) Forget the old devil, he’s lost his touch, I’m the one you’ll be hating... so very much! [Outro] [Big Swing Finish - Ba-da-ba-da-BAM!] [MALE VOCALS] Ta-ta, loser. Try not to bleed on the carpet. [Orchestra Hit]
