[Verse 1] Let me tell you a story about a highway man He rode like thunder with a master plan From the edge of the smoke to the northern fork He galloped from London all the way to York He was a dot dot dot Flashing his smile like a madcap superstar Never was he noble, he was cruel and grim Robbed every traveler on a selfish whim Pulled a pistol on a priest for a pocket of bread Left the man bleeding in the ditch half dead He smacked the coachman, kicked in the door Tied up a kid just to look hardcore Mocked their cries, made a maid kiss his ring Man was a menace, not some dashing king Broke into homes, beat folks for gold Made his name brutal, vicious, cold This ain't no myth, he was straight up vile His legacy's blood, not swagger and style [Chorus] Oh, I wish I had balls like Dick Turpin Balls like Dick Turpin The kind that don't flinch when the whole world's burning He made all the women twerk (Oh wait, what the fuck are you saying?) He was a horrible man Oh, I wish I had balls like Dick Turpin Balls like Dick Turpin Forget the myth, just work with the version Cut out a trail of doom, the people The beat goes BOOM [Jonathan] Verse 2 (Narrator – even darker, exposing more): He stormed the inn where a family slept Dragged the father out and left him wrecked Burned their cart just to “send a message” Man was obsessed with violent leverage Shot a merchant clean off his mare Laughed as he looted without a care Spat on a boy who begged for peace “Turpin the hero”? Man, please. (Chorus – Mary): [Mary] 🎶 I wish I had balls like Dick Turpin, balls like Dick Turpin The kind that don’t flinch when the whole world’s burnin’ He made all the women twerkin [talking] [Jonathan] Come on man, really? [Mary] 🎶 I wish I had balls like Dick Turpin, balls like Dick Turpin Forget the myth, just vibe with the version 🎶 Da-da-da, chabadaba doom The beat goes BOOM [Jonathan] Verse 3 (Narrator – final, no holds barred): He robbed a mother and her crying child Took their last coin and laughed real wild Told his crew, “I ain't no saint” Then whipped a man just to watch him faint He wasn't Robin Hood, don’t twist the script He fed his ego off every whip He got caught, tried to fake his name But justice came, and ended the game So don’t raise your glass to a man like that Unless you’re cool with cruelty under your hat This ain’t about balls, it’s about the truth Turpin was twisted — not some gallant youth (Chorus – Mary): [Mary] 🎶 I wish I had balls like Dick Turpin, balls like Dick Turpin The kind that don’t flinch when the whole world’s burnin’ He made all the women twerkin [talking] [Jonathan] It's not a positive song man! [Mary] 🎶 I wish I had balls like Dick Turpin, balls like Dick Turpin Forget the myth, just vibe with the version 🎶 Da-da-da, chabadaba doom The beat goes BOOM [arguing, talking] [Jonathan] Hey, please stop man [Mary] "But I wish I had..." For fuck sake!!! [Mary] 🎶 wish I had balls like Dick Turpin!
