[Verse 1: To My Children] You don't deserve another word from me After silence became your choice Your mother lay scared in a hospital bed And still we never heard your voice But I can't turn off being your father Just because you closed the door So I'll pray for you from a distance I just can't bleed there anymore [Chorus] I'm sorry I'm not who you thought I was I'm not sure I'm who I thought I'd be I'm still learning love can let go Without calling letting go defeat Some days faith is barely breathing Some nights grace is holding on I'm sorry I'm not who you thought I was But I'm still here when hope is gone [Verse 2: To the Ones Who Stayed] You told me you were proud of how We carried what we had to bear You sat beside us through the wreckage You prayed when we had no prayer And I hate to disappoint you But some mornings I wake up black There are days I don't feel noble There are days I don't want them back [Chorus] I'm sorry I'm not who you thought I was I'm not sure I'm who I thought I'd be I'm still learning love can let go Without calling letting go defeat Some days faith is barely breathing Some nights grace is holding on I'm sorry I'm not who you thought I was But I'm still here when hope is gone [Verse 3: To Myself] You keep calling this a failure Like you built the wall alone Like another person's leaving Means you somehow failed your own You can grieve what isn't buried You can miss them and be free You can love the children you remember And not like who they choose to be [Chorus] I'm sorry I'm not who you thought I was I'm not sure I'm who I thought I'd be I'm still learning love can let go Without calling letting go defeat Some days faith is barely breathing Some nights grace is holding on I'm sorry I'm not who you thought I was But I'm still here when hope is gone [Bridge: restrained at first, building into a raw shout] I DON'T HAVE TO HATE YOU TO STOP WAITING AT THE DOOR I DON'T HAVE TO CHASE YOU TO BE YOUR FATHER ANYMORE I can want the best for you And refuse to disappear I can put you in God's hands Without keeping mine in here [Instrumental drop: acoustic guitar, room tone, breath] [Verse 4: To God] You gave those children to me You made "Dad" part of my name You never promised they would stay here You never promised love was safe And that morning after everything I heard, "Now you know how I feel" Maybe love keeps wanting heaven Even when the wound won't heal So take the part I cannot carry Take the anger, take the shame Find them at the bottom of whatever pit Makes them finally call Your name And if I never see the ending If reunion never comes Let me still be their father Without becoming what grief wants [Final Chorus: quieter, no anger, almost prayer] I'm sorry I'm not who you thought I was I'm not sure I'm who I thought I'd be I'm still learning love can let go Without calling letting go defeat Some days faith is barely breathing Some nights grace is holding on I'm sorry I'm not who you thought I was But I'm still here. And maybe that's enough. [Outro: nearly spoken] I'm still Dad. I'm still praying. I'm still here.
