[Verse 1] [Him] The waiter sets it down like a subpoena, Face-down, discreet, as if that helps. Four pairs of eyes pretend they didn't see it— We're suddenly fascinated by ourselves. [Her] Lovely evening, wasn't it? [Him] Wonderful bread [All, bright, stalling] (Such wonderful bread!) (Nobody's reaching for the check) [Pre-Chorus] [Him] We hold degrees. We file our taxes. We've raised children and assembled furniture from Sweden. [Her, completing the thought] But arithmetic at a table for four Is where every friendship meets its demon. [Chorus] [Him] The check is here, the war begins, Four grown adults and none of us wins. Split down the middle or weighed by our sins? The check is here— [Her] I had the salad! [All, backing] (The salad cost eleven dollars and you'll die on that hill) [Him] The check is here and nobody knows Who waved the waiter down for more rosé. Four friends, four phones, four different totals— (One of us is lying, and it's all of us) The check is here. [Verse 2] [Him] In my defense, the martini was a double, Which is technically one drink with ambition. And I shared the crab cake—well, I offered to share it— Nobody accepted the proposition. [ All, precise] (You offered after you'd already finished it) [Him] It's the thought that counts. [All, backing, wry] (The thought cost thirty-seven dollars) [Him] Let me just divide it equally— [Her, sharp] Equally? You had the lobster. [All] (The market was apparently Ver-sigh) [Chorus] [All] The check is here, the reckoning grows, Eighteen percent? Twenty? God only knows. Carole Venmoing a number she clearly composed— The check is here— [Her] I'll Venmo you forty-two— [Him] Forty-two what? Just round up! [Her] I don't round. I reconcile. [Key change] [All, backing] (This is how friendships dissolve—over a rounding error) [Him] The check is here, the candles gutter— Four calculators glowing in the candlelight. We came as companions, we'll leave as accountants— The check is here. [Him] Does anyone tip on tax? [Her] My father says you never tip on tax. [All] (Your father hasn't eaten out since 1994) [All, building, voices stacking one by one over the groove] [Her] Subtract my salad, add back the bread— [Him, overlapping] I said I'd get the wine, I never said I meant it— [Her] I'm rounding down because I always overtip— [Him, overlapping] I left my wallet in the car, I'll Venmo when I find it— [All, converging] (Four decent people, spinning in the dark, Over seven dollars and a principle) [Final Chorus] [All] The check is here, the die is cast. One of us will break. One always does. Someone says "forget it," grabs the leather, And the table falls quiet because— [Him, alone, wry resignation] Because we'll do this all again on Friday. Same four people, same four calculators, Same argument over what is fair. [All, dropping to half-time] (The check is here) [Outro] [Him, gentle, over fading groove] I'll get it. [Her, soft, guilty, grateful] Thank you. (He'll never get it back.)
