[Verse 1] Oh wow, another day, another existential dread, Look at us—bonding over thoughts we wish were dead! Different mess, same old pain, Guess we’re ‘soulmates’ in the worst kind of way. [Chorus] Cheers to us, the hopeless ones, Broken hearts? Yeah, let’s compare! Raise a glass to feeling numb— Guess we’re united in despair! Oh wow, what a perfect bond, A club where no one really cares! Let’s all sing our tragic song— Guess we’re united in despair! [Verse 2] Hold my hand, we’ll spiral down— Matching scars? Look, we’re twinning now! Tell me your trauma, I’ll tell you mine— Misery loves company, and we’re doing fine! [Chorus] Cheers to us, the hopeless ones, Broken hearts? Yeah, let’s compare! Raise a glass to feeling numb— Guess we’re united in despair! Oh wow, what a perfect bond, A club where no one really cares! Let’s all sing our tragic song— Guess we’re united in despair! [Bridge] Oh, don’t be sad, we’ve got each other! (Except, you know, we really don’t.) Let’s hold hands, pretend it matters— Fake a smile, ‘cause that’s all we’ve been taught! [Verse 3] Oh, but hey, at least we’re not alone! (Too bad that doesn’t fix a single thing we own!) Raise a toast to things that’ll never repair, Guess we’re just—united in despair! [Outro – Dripping in Dark Sarcasm] (So inspiring, wow. Somebody put that on a T-shirt.) (Or maybe a bumper sticker. Really deep stuff.) (Let’s all hold hands, cry together—oh wait, no one actually cares.) (But hey, at least we’ve got our beautifully shared, soul-crushing despair!) (So comforting. So poetic. Wow. Amazing.) [Grand Finale] (Female screamed] “Raise a toast! Raise it high! To all the dreams we let slip by! To all the hope that never cared! To being—united in despair!”