[Pre-Intro – No music, slight reverb, flat tone like reading a court transcript] [Voice 0 – Twin A, slow and serious] August 6th… 2016. [Voice 0 – Twin B, firm delivery] One-star review. [Voice 0 – Twin A, matter-of-fact] The Bertram Inn & Conference Center. [Voice 0 – Twin B, sharp] Submitted by Dianna W. 4 9 9 [Voice 0 – Both twins in sync, sarcastic whisper] From… Naperville, Illinois. [Intro – Light piano with soft sarcasm, hotel door chime FX] [Voice 1 – Twin A, dramatic like reading Yelp] Dianna checked in with a dream and a dress Just here for a wedding… not this kind of mess [Verse 1 – Synth kicks in, playful beat] [Voice 2 – Twin B, monotone like a serious review] Booked a quiet weekend, first of August heat Put the bags down, thought, “This place is sweet!” [Voice 3 – Twin C, full drama queen] But then twins rolled in, with glitter and flair And matching tuxedos flyin’ through the air [Pre-Chorus – Build up synth and sarcasm] [Voice 4 – Twin D, annoyed suburban mom tone] She tried to nap, but the hallway roared With chants and laughter, a conga horde [Voice 5 – Twin E, deadpan] Twins in the pool, twins on the floor And one just moonwalked out her door [Chorus – Drop with pounding beat and chant vocals] [All Twins – chant style, sarcastic party reading] Do NOT stay at the Bertram! Unless you love a twin stampede Do NOT stay at the Bertram! Unless you don’t require sleep It’s a festival, not a retreat! Toga parties in the suite She came for vows and centerpieces Left with noise and matching nieces [Verse 2 – Bouncy rhythm continues] [Voice 6 – Twin F, dramatic NPR voice] Dianna hit the lobby, hoping for calm Instead got glitter bombs and disco mom [Voice 7 – Twin G, sarcastic southern belle] Restaurant “simplified,” no forks in sight Just twins doing limbo through the night [Bridge – Melodramatic build, strings and minor synths] [Voice 8 – Twin H, hushed like a ghost story] Naperville peace was nowhere near As twins played bongos in her ear [Voice 9 – Twin I, fast-talking concierge] She called the front desk in a panic state But the manager was at the twin tailgate [Chorus – Return with extra bass and echo] [All Twins – rowdy delivery, sarcastic hype] Do NOT stay at the Bertram! Unless your soul craves party fire Do NOT stay at the Bertram! Unless “sleep” is not required They came to match, to dance, to howl Not sit politely with a scowl Dianna wept into her wine “Why is that toddler doing The Electric Slide?” [Outro – Fading laughter, party FX, hotel bell dings] [Voice 10 – Twin J, exhausted and amused] So heed this tale from room 203, The twins will take it over—wild and free [Voice 11 – Twin K, whispered conclusion] And if you’re booking peace in Ohio town… Just don’t forget... they’re all double down. [Instrumental – soft synth outro, fading beat] [Voice 11 – No music, slight reverb, flat tone like reading a court transcript] Twins love the Bertram Inn… including me. Every year, we thank you.
