[Intro - A frantic, rising fiddle screech that sounds like an engine revving, followed by a sudden explosion of drums] [Verse 1] The tank was dry as a Sunday bone, the Grasmere wouldn't hum, Kev was stuck in the middle ages, feeling proper glum. He found an alchemist in a cave, smelling of sulfur and yeast, Who said "I’ll brew a potion, lad, to wake your iron beast!" They threw in a gallon of triple-mead and a dash of dragon’s breath, A bit of fermented turnip juice and a spice that smelled like death. Kev poured it in with a shaky hand and pulled the starter cord, The mower gave a purple burp and shrieked "Praise be the Lord!" [beat drop - a high-pitched "zing" as the engine hits Mach One] [Chorus - High-speed, rowdy, and slightly chaotic] Oh, it’s a bio-fuel blunder on a medieval hill, The mower’s doing eighty and she won't sit still! (Slow down, Kev!) With the alchemist’s moonshine in the carburettor bowl, The council’s finest machine has gone and lost its bloody soul! From the abbey to the orchard in a blink of an eye, Kev’s the first man in history to make a lawnmower fly! [Verse 2 - Dense, frantic delivery] He engaged the blades for a bit of a trim, but the torque was far too much, He bypassed the laws of physics and he melted the bloody clutch. He wasn't just cutting the buttercups, he was peeling back the sod, Carving a mile-long "Willy" in the sacred hills of God! The Duke looked out from his balcony and he turned a ghostly white, As a neon-yellow blur went past at the speed of flickering light. The grass wasn't mown, it was atomized, turned into a greeny gas, Leaving a trail of scorched-earth pride upon the mountain pass! [Chaotic, swirling accordion solo] [Verse 3 - Witty and breathless] "I can't find the brake!" Kev screamed aloud as he passed a galloping knight, The horse died of a heart attack from the sheer and sudden fright. He did a loop-the-loop near the castle moat and skipped across the pond, Trapped in a bio-fuel fever dream of the great and the beyond! The alchemist cheered from the hilltop high, "It’s a miracle of the flask!" Kev yelled back "You're a lunatic! I only had one task!" He took a corner on one wheel, spraying mead like a summer rain, While the local peasants crossed themselves and prayed to end the pain. [pause] (It's got a bit of a kick, this!) [pause] [Bridge - Half-speed, heavy stomping, building back up] The engine started glowing blue, the muffler started to sing, It sounded like a choir of angels with a very metallic wing. One final puff of glittery smoke, one last almighty roar, And Kev was back to a walking pace on the dusty valley floor. [Chorus - Maximum energy, frantic finish] Oh, it’s a bio-fuel blunder on a medieval hill, The mower’s doing eighty and she won't sit still! With the alchemist’s moonshine in the carburettor bowl, The council’s finest machine has gone and lost its bloody soul! From the abbey to the orchard in a blink of an eye, Kev’s the first man in history to make a lawnmower fly! [Outro - Slowing down to a sputter] Right... Note to self: Don't mix the mead with the mulch-plug. I think I’ve just mown a hole in the space-time continuum. And the Duke’s prized begonias. Proper job. [Single, final "pop" sound] [End]
