Verse 1) Oh, I came to England, with a hopeful heart so grand, For tales of crispy battered fish, the finest in the land. With vinegar and salt I dreamed, of flaky, white delight, But all I've found are soggy chips, and fish that just ain't right! (Chorus) Oh, where's my proper fish and chips? This culinary quest! I've trawled from Dover to the Dales, and put them to the test. This isn't what the postcards showed, this isn't what I crave, Just greasy disappointment, laid out in a wave! (Verse 2) I've tried the chippy by the sea, the one with queues so long, Expected golden perfection, but oh, how I was wrong! The batter, thin and flabby, the fish, a dreary grey, I nearly wept into my peas, and wished I'd stayed away. (Chorus) They promised me a proper meal, a glorious, greasy feat, But all I've found are fishy duds and chips I can't defeat. My taste buds are in mourning, my spirits are so low, 'Cause all I get is soggy batter and a culinary foe! (Bridge) They say it's tradition, a national, proud dish, But if this is tradition, I'd rather eat a jellyfish! I've seen more joy in a damp sock, more flavour in a stone, Than in these lukewarm offerings, that leave me feeling prone... to moan! (Verse 3) I asked a local, "Where's the best? The truly decent place?" He scratched his head and mumbled, "Well, it's a rapidly dying race." "The old boys used to know the trick, the secret of the fry," Now I'm just left with sorrow, and a tear in my own eye. (Chorus) I'm searching for a better catch, a more impressive fry, 'Cause every time I take a bite, I want to say "goodbye!" This fish is dull, these chips are limp, a truly sad affair, My fish and chips adventure is a nightmare to bear! (Outro) So if you see a perfect piece, with chips both thick and gold, Please send a carrier pigeon, before I get too old! 'Cause my taste buds are revolting, my stomach's in a slump, Just give me good fish and chips, and I'll jump, jump, jump! No decent fish and chips, oh what a gump!
