[Intro] Diez Firzt, yeah. Dark hallway. Music building. Door creaks. Something moves— CAT. You motherfuckers. [Verse 1] Camera creeps down a hallway slow, Bass gets low and the heartbeat grows. Shadow moves by the kitchen door, Everybody knows what we’re waiting for. Hand on the knob, little squeak, little scratch, Music cuts dead— HERE COMES THE— CAT. Just a cat. Little fluffy bastard jumps from a shelf, I nearly threw my drink all over myself. And the movie acts like nothing occurred, Like it didn’t just weaponize somebody’s bird— Wait. Wrong animal. I’m still mad. [Pre-Chorus] You built that scene like somebody died, Then Mittens comes flying out from the side. That ain’t horror. That’s betrayal. And somehow the cat never faces jail. [Chorus] Fake-out cat! There it is again! Whole room screaming over somebody’s pet. Fake-out cat! Cheap little attack! Thirty seconds tension— MEOW. Heart attack. I came for ghosts, Killers and dread, Not Mr. Whiskers jumping over my head. You made the soundtrack sound like Satan came back— Then gave me a goddamn fake-out cat. Diez Firzt, yeah. [Verse 2] Woman walks downstairs at quarter past two, Something in the basement knocking like “boo.” Flashlight flickers, breaker went dead, She hears little footsteps under the bed. Camera turns. Audience froze. Something brushes right by her toes. She bends down slow— Music goes BRRRAAAM! CAT! Again?! HOW MANY CATS LIVE HERE?! House got one bedroom, seven cats deep, Every damn cupboard got one asleep. One in the sink. One by the stairs. One apparently launched from inside the chairs. And somehow nobody notices this zoo Till the director needs a cheap scare cue. [Chorus] Fake-out cat! There it is again! Whole room screaming over somebody’s pet. Fake-out cat! Cheap little attack! Thirty seconds tension— MEOW. Heart attack. I came for ghosts, Killers and dread, Not Mr. Whiskers jumping over my head. You made the soundtrack sound like Satan came back— Then gave me a goddamn fake-out cat. [Verse 3] Worst part is, now I know the routine. Door half-open? Cat. Trash can shakes? Cat. Curtain moves? Cat. Closet rattles? Probably another fucking cat. So when the REAL killer finally walks in, I’m sitting there like, “Nice try, Mittens.” Then— STAB. Oh. That one wasn’t a cat. Great. Now I’m dead because Hollywood trained My nervous system to ignore everything strange. That’s on you. That corpse is yours. Put “Killed by feline conditioning” on the morgue report. [Bridge] And the cat’s always fine. Always. House explodes? Cat walks out. Serial killer massacres twelve people? Cat’s eating tuna in the credits. Demon possesses the entire family? Cat saw it coming three acts ago. Honestly— The cat might be the smartest character here. [Breakdown] Noise upstairs— Cat. Window breaks— Cat. Something screams— Cat. Body falls from ceiling— Okay, that’s probably not— CAT. HOW?! [Final Chorus] Fake-out cat! Enough of this shit! I know that furry bastard’s coming in a bit. Fake-out cat! You ruined the scare! Now every dark corner needs a litter chair. Give me a ghost. Give me a ghoul. Give me literally anything actually cruel. Stop turning house pets into cardiac traps— Retire. The. Fake-out. Cat. [Outro] Diez Firzt, yeah. Next horror movie— If I hear a noise in the dark? I’m not scared. I’m looking for a collar. And if one more cat jumps out of a cabinet— I’m leaving. Not because of the killer. Because apparently this house has zero fucking animal control. Diez Firzt. Yeah.
