[Intro – Spoken, over a dusty boom bap beat and the sound of a fridge door opening] Yo. So there I am. Standing in front of the fridge. Door open. Staring. Like something's gonna magically appear. Spoiler: it doesn't. Let me tell you about it. [Verse 1 – Measured, storytelling, taking the piss] I open up the fridge, just to have a look Like I'm browsing a library, not a fridge full of nowt There's half an onion, a suspicious jar A yoghurt from 2019, who knows what you are There's a bottle of ketchup with a crusty old lid A slice of cheese so lonely, I feel bad for the kid There's milk that's gone solid, there's butter that's green There's a Tupperware container that's a crime scene I close the door, then I open it again Like the contents might change, like I'm losing my brain I close it, I open it, third time's the charm Still nothing, just the cold air on my arm [Chorus – Catchy, comedic, anthemic] The fridge is empty, the fridge is bare But I keep on looking, like there's something there The fridge is empty, the fridge is dead But I keep on hoping, like there's hope in my head The fridge is empty, the fridge is pain But I keep on looking, again and again The fridge is empty, what a surprise Welcome to my life, welcome to my cries [Verse 2 – Faster, funnier, taking the piss harder] Then I check the cupboards, like that's gonna help A tin of beans, a bag of rice, a single stock cube of regret There's a packet of noodles that expired in the past There's a jar of pasta sauce that's been there since the last Time I tried to cook, which was probably a mistake I burnt the toast, I burnt the pan, I burnt the cake I don't even bake, who am I kidding? I can't cook, I can't clean, I can barely sit But I stand in the kitchen, looking at the shelves Wondering why I do this to myself Then I remember, I've got a takeaway app And suddenly I'm not that hungry, I'll just have a nap [Chorus – Catchy, comedic, anthemic] The fridge is empty, the fridge is bare But I keep on looking, like there's something there The fridge is empty, the fridge is dead But I keep on hoping, like there's hope in my head The fridge is empty, the fridge is pain But I keep on looking, again and again The fridge is empty, what a surprise Welcome to my life, welcome to my cries [Bridge – Stripped back, spoken over soft keys] Here's the thing, right. I went shopping last week. I know I did. I bought stuff. Real stuff. Bread. Milk. Eggs. The essentials. But now? Gone. Where'd it go? Did I eat it? Did someone break in and just steal the cheese? Because that's what it feels like. Every time. I buy food. I put it in the fridge. I close the door. I open the door. Poof. Gone. It's like a magic trick. Except the only thing disappearing is my money. And my sanity. [Verse 3 – Resigned, funny, philosophical] So now I sit on the sofa, ordering a pizza Because I can't be bothered, I'm too tired to cook I've got ingredients, apparently, I just bought 'em But the fridge is a portal, it swallows 'em up So I'll eat my pizza, watch a repeat of something And pretend that tomorrow I'll do the big shop But I know myself, I know what I'll do I'll open that fridge and I'll stare at the view Of the empty shelves, the sad little space And I'll close it again with a look on my face Like "how did this happen? Where did it go?" And I'll order another takeaway, because I'm slow [Chorus – Warm, layered, comedic] The fridge is empty, the fridge is bare But I keep on looking, like there's something there The fridge is empty, the fridge is dead But I keep on hoping, like there's hope in my head The fridge is empty, the fridge is pain But I keep on looking, again and again The fridge is empty, what a surprise Welcome to my life, welcome to my cries Welcome to my cries Welcome to my cries [Outro – Spoken, over fading beat and fridge humming] So yeah. That's my fridge. Empty. Cold. Judging me. But I'll open it again tomorrow. And the day after. And the day after that. Because I'm an optimist. Or an idiot. Same thing, really. Same thing. "The Pub" – Comedic 90s Boom Bap Rap (Taking the piss out of British pub culture) [Intro – Spoken, over a dusty boom bap beat and pub ambience] Yo. So I went to the pub. Just for one. One pint. That's all I said. Spoiler: it wasn't one. Let me tell you about it. [Verse 1 – Measured, storytelling, taking the piss] I walked in the pub, said "just a quick one" Six hours later, I'm singing to the jukebox for fun I said to me missus "I'll be back by eight" It's now half eleven and I'm in a state The barman knows my name, which is never a good sign He's already pulling my usual, he's got it down to a science I've had four pints of lager, a packet of crisps A game of pool I lost, and a kebab I'll regret I tried to leave at nine, I really did try But then someone said "one more" and I couldn't deny The pull of the pub, the warmth of the crowd The sound of the laughter, the noise getting loud [
