[Verse 1 – fast, nervous, pointing at random objects] We walked into the Tipsy Tankard, ordered ale and roasted boar, The barstool bit the Barbarian— turns out it wanted something more! The table sprouted sixteen tongues, the dartboard grew a hungry maw, The coat-rack tried to hug the Wizard— with teeth the size of saws! [Verse 2 – faster, half-laughing, half-screaming] The Thief sat on a treasure chest— it was a chest, alright, with legs! The Cleric’s holy symbol hissed and swallowed both his holy kegs! I drew my sword to fight the chair, the chair drew me right back inside— We’re swinging at the furniture and the furniture’s winning the fight! [Chorus – everyone stomping, slapping tables (then jumping back)] It’s a mimic! It’s a mimic! Everything’s a mimic tonight! The stool, the stool, the bar, the wall— they’re all looking for a bite! If it’s wooden, nailed, or standing still, it’s probably got jaws— Mimic, mimic, mimic, mimic— even the bloody doors! [Verse 3 – manic, pointing at the bar] The barkeep shouted “Drinks are free!” then sprouted forty sticky tongues, The ale mugs grew a thousand teeth and started chewing on our lungs! The fireplace belched a wooden roar, the floorboards licked the Cleric’s boots— We’re running out of things to burn that haven’t already got roots! [Verse 4 – triumphant, deranged grin] The Barbarian went berserk of course, and hugged the bar itself real tight, It tried to swallow him whole— he swallowed back with all his might! The Wizard cast a Fireball, the Thief just stabbed the floor for fun— I sang the Ancients’ thorniest hymn till the whole damn tavern came undone! [Chorus – louder, tables literally shaking] It’s a mimic! It’s a mimic! The whole bloody inn just took a bite! We killed the bar, the chairs, the floor— and the roof put up a fight! We’re standing in a pile of splinters and adhesive goo— Mimic, mimic, mimic, mimic— and the outhouse is one too! [Final Chorus – entire tavern screaming, some already setting fire to their stools “just in case”] We killed the mimic! Killed the mimic! The tavern’s dead and we’re alive! We’re drinking from our boots tonight because the tankards didn’t survive! If you hear a creak or groan, just swing your axe real hard— Everything’s a mimic, lads— especially the bloody bar! (Shouted) “THAT ONE WAS DEFINITELY LOOKING AT ME FUNNY!”
