Opening Line (Mic Drop Energy): “I don’t like talkin’ about shit… But somehow, it keeps finding me. Like Scott’s toilet paper— Thin, expensive, and spiritually offensive.” Segment 1: “Dollar Store Theology” “I walked into Dollar Tree with a dollar and left with trauma. They got everything but the dollar. I asked the cashier, ‘Where’s the dollar items?’ She said, ‘In your memories.’ I said, ‘Well damn, can I at least get a prayer candle for my financial PTSD?’” Segment 2: “Jesus Told Me to Chill” “I was mad at the world, ready to throw hands. Jesus said, ‘Stop being a dick.’ I said, ‘That’s not in the Bible.’ He said, ‘It’s in the remix.’ So now I walk through the valley of the shadow of debt With flip flops, freeballin’, and faith.” Segment 3: “Roommate Roy & the TP Betrayal” “Roy went to get toilet paper. Came back with Scott’s. That ain’t TP—that’s a spiritual test. I wiped once and saw my future. I said, ‘Roy, you just baptized me in struggle.’ He said, ‘It was on sale.’ I said, ‘So was Judas.’” Segment 4: “Heaven’s Gate Check-In” “When I get to Heaven, I ain’t gonna walk in quiet. I’m gonna say, ‘Y’all got snacks?’ Gabriel gonna look at me like, ‘You Felonious?’ I’ll say, ‘Yeah, the one who turned butt crumbs into gospel.’ He’ll say, ‘Great Scott.’ I’ll say, ‘Exactly.’” Closing Line (Spoken Word Style): “I’m not here to be understood. I’m here to stand under the weight Of everything I survived And still make you laugh. That’s Felonious. That’s comedy. That’s testimony.”
