The Kimmy... is one of the most elusive creatures on the face of the planet. Emerging only in the small hours of the morning, she ventures forth in search of coffee... and Monster Energy drinks. Scientists remain baffled by her remarkable attraction to rust. She can often be observed... carefully selecting the finest corroded piece of metal before ceremoniously rubbing her backside against it. This, experts believe, is the Kimmy's unique method... of marking her territory. Observe... she has now spotted an abandoned shopping cart. Covered in glorious oxidation... irresistible. She approaches cautiously... glances left... glances right... and... yes. A flawless territorial butt-scoot... Magnificent... Notice the warning call she emits when startled... "WHO TOUCHED MY MONSTER?!" This cry can be heard from nearly three counties away and is often enough to scare off rival Kimys... and several species of deer... The Kimmy constructs her nest from discarded hoodies, six phone chargers that somehow fit nothing she owns, and approximately forty-seven hair ties she insists she doesn't have. Like many apex predators, the Kimmy communicates through an intricate series of insults, sarcasm, and wildly inappropriate jokes. To the untrained ear, these may sound offensive. To another Kimmy... this is considered affectionate courtship... or Tuesday. Should you encounter a Kimmy in the wild, do not make direct eye contact while she's under-caffeinated. Researchers estimate the survival rate at... almost none. Instead... gently place a fresh coffee and an unopened Monster Energy drink on the ground... then slowly back away. If accepted, she may reward you with a nod... or simply call you an idiot before adopting you into the pack. Truly... one of nature's most confusing... yet oddly lovable creatures.
