You keep asking me why I flinch when your hands move too fast I don’t know how to explain that my body remembers things before my mind does You say you’re impossible to love lately and maybe you’re right Maybe I became difficult the same month I realized I was scared of you —not all the time just enough There’s a glass in the sink with your cigarettes still on it Three days old You keep leaving little pieces of yourself around the apartment like proof you still live here Meanwhile I’ve been fantasizing about disappearing quietly Not dying Just... becoming unreachable Turning my phone off Driving until the roads stop making sense Sleeping somewhere nobody knows my name But then you laugh from the other room and suddenly I hate myself for wanting to leave You hurt me Then you hold me like you’re the only person who can repair the damage You hurt me Then ask why I’ve become distant You hurt me And somehow I end up apologizing first I think loneliness made me easy to trap I was so desperate to be chosen by someone that I ignored the way you sharpened your words whenever you were angry Ignored how every argument ended with me begging Ignored how your affection always arrived after destruction I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S REAL ANYMORE You call it love while I’m shrinking inside myself You call it passion because it sounds prettier than control Every version of me that existed before this relationship feels buried somewhere underneath your voice And the worst part? Some fucking part of me still wants you when you reach for my throat instead of my hand You hurt me Then you hold me like you’re the only person who can repair the damage (You hurt me) The terrifying thing about drowning is how calm it looks from above (And you hurt me) Tonight you fell asleep beside me like nothing happened (And now i'm bleeding) while I stayed awake counting all the reasons I should leave (And you hurt me more) ...and none of the reasons felt stronger than the fear of being alone (You hurt me) (You hurt me)
