[Verse 1] I woke up in a tower with my boots on wrong, Spellbook soaked in cider, beard three feet long, Hat was on sideways, staff was upside-down, Someone swapped my robes for a glittering gown— I said, “WHO TOUCHED MY CRYSTAL BALL?” Bartender shrugged, said, “You lost it in the hall,” Then I heard high heels on enchanted stone— Little sparkles trailing like a disco cyclone. [Pre-Chorus] Potion fizzin’, vision double, magic outta sync, Tried to cast a teleport—turned my wine into ink, Somebody yelled, “He’s loose again!” I tripped over twelve enchanted hens. [Chorus] 🎶 I’m a drunk-ass wizard in a midnight chase, Stars in my eyes and glitter on my face, Slippin’ on runes in the tavern light, Shoutin’ “COME BACK HERE, YOU’RE VERY BRIGHT—” Fireball fizzled, smoke went poof, Turned my hat into a dancing goose, I’m sprintin’ sideways through illusion fog, Yellin’ compliments at every shadow dog— 🎶 [Verse 2] Tried polymorph—hit the wrong dang rune, Turned my cat familiar into a flying bison, Someone cartwheeled past in enchanted boots, Left a trail of pink sparkles and stolen fruits— I shouted, “WAIT! YOU DROPPED YOUR… uh… FEATHER?” They blew a kiss and sprinted into stormy weather, I slipped on ale, did three full spins, Accidentally summoned twenty disco djinns. [Pre-Chorus] Lightning bolt turned into party lights, Skeleton band started playing all night, I yelled “FREEZE!” and hit the floor, Froze my own pants, nothin’ more. [Chorus] 🎶 I’m a drunk-ass wizard casting spells too late, Chasin’ sparkles through a portal gate, Turned the moon into a rubber duck, Apologized to it—said “my bad, good luck,” Teleport hiccupped, sent me three feet back, High-fived a ghost and stole my hat, Running through smoke with my beard on fire, Tryna look cool—lookin’ deeply tired—* 🎶 [Bridge] WHO SPIKED MY POTION WITH PEPPERMINT?? WHY IS MY BROOM DOING A JAZZ-HAND TWIST?? I aimed one spell—missed by a mile— Hit the jukebox, now it’s breathing fire. Someone yelled, “YOU’RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!” I said, “I KNOW, BUT IT FEELS OKAY!” [Final Chorus] 🎶 I’m a legendary mage in a tavern crawl, Slurred three languages and forgot them all, Chasing sparkles through a floating chair, Complimenting strangers’ magical hair, Turned my staff into a neon snake, Gave it a name—call him Kevin Drake, Stumbled outside at the break of dawn, Hat still gone and my dignity’s gone—* 🎶 [Outro] Passed out hugging a mailbox post, Promised the moon I’d drink less… most, If you hear tonight some arcane screams— …it’s just me. …again.
