[Intro – store opening ambience, pegboard hooks rattling] [Male hardware employee – confident] I know this department. Every aisle. Every shelf. Every tool. [Pause] Ask me anything. [Store announcement chime] Happy New Year. [Beat] ...Uh oh. [Verse 1] I knew every drill by the shape of the case, Every saw had its own little place, Batteries lined up, chargers in a row, I could tell you what you needed before you said hello. Impact driver? Aisle three. Circular saw? Right there with me. Need a grinder? I know the brand. Need the right blade? I got it in my hand. Six months learning every number on the wall, Didn't even need the labels anymore, Customer walked in, I'd point and say, [Spoken] "That's the one." [Pre-Chorus] I knew the difference, I knew the names, I knew which battery Went with which frame. I had this whole place Figured out— Then January came around. [Chorus] New year, new model, New number on the box, Everything I knew yesterday Got replaced around the clock. New year, new model, New label on the shelf, I spent all year learning these tools... Now I gotta learn 'em all again myself! [Background] What's this one? [Lead] I don't know! [Background] You work here! [Lead] I KNOW! [Verse 2] There's a new drill sitting where the old one stood, Looks exactly the same as the old one should, Same color case, same battery pack, But there's one extra number printed on the back. Customer says, "Is this better than that?" I turn the box over and stare at the facts. [Spoken] Well... [Pause] It's newer. [Customer] "What's different?" [Long pause] [Lead] The number. [Pre-Chorus] I learned the torque, I learned the speed, I knew the specs For every need. I could compare them Without a chart— Now I'm standing here Trying to tell them apart. [Chorus] New year, new model, New number on the box, Everything I knew yesterday Got replaced around the clock. New year, new model, New label on the shelf, I spent all year learning these tools... Now I gotta learn 'em all again myself! [Background] Which battery? [Lead] Same battery! [Background] Which charger? [Lead] Probably the same! [Background] Probably?! [Lead] LET ME CHECK! [Verse 3] Then they changed the saws, Then they changed the drills, Then they changed the kits And the accessory fills. New packaging, new names, New displays down the aisle, I walk past the power tools... And just stare for a while. I used to know this place Like the back of my hand, Now I'm reading boxes Trying to understand. Customer says, "You work here, right?" [Lead] Yeah. [Customer] "So which one should I buy?" [Lead] Give me a minute. [Customer] "Why?" [Lead] Because apparently I went to sleep in December and woke up in another department. [Bridge – music drops] [Spoken – quieter] The funny thing is... Give me about a week. I'll learn them. Every model. Every number. Every battery. Every accessory. I'll get it all memorized again. [Beat] [Store announcement] "New product line arriving next week." [Silence] [Lead] ... You've gotta be kidding me. [Instrumental Break – electric guitar] [Background worker] Hey! [Lead] Yeah? [Background] You know which drill this battery fits? [Lead] Of course I do. [Background] Which one? [Lead] The new one. [Background] What's the model? [Lead] ... [Background] You don't know, do you? [Lead] Not yet. [Verse 4] By February, I'm back on track, Got every model number down pat, Customer asks and I don't hesitate, I know the tool and I know the rate. "That one there? That's the one you need." "Want more power? Step up the speed." "Need that battery? Grab these two." "Yes, that charger works with you." I'm back on top, I've got the flow, I know every tool from end to end— [Store announcement chime] [Voice] "New models arriving March first." [Lead] ... March?! [Final Chorus – full band] New year, new model, New number on the box, Just when I learn the whole department, Somebody changes all the stock! New year, new model, New label on the shelf, I know these tools better than anybody... Until they redesign them again themselves! New year, new model, Bring another one my way, I'll learn it, I'll memorize it, I'll know it all someday! [Background] What about this one? [Lead] I know that one! [Background] It's brand new. [Lead] ... Of course it is. [Outro – store ambience returns] [Male hardware employee] You know what? I'm not even mad anymore. [Pause] Change the models. Change the numbers. Change the boxes. I'll learn them. [Beat] But if you change the batteries... [Long pause] We're gonna have a problem. [Final guitar hit]
