KFC (KUNG FU CHICKENS) Roger Burns Band — Roger Burns [INTRO — 78 BPM | EERIE MINOR-KEY WESTERN] [LOW DREADNOUGHT ACOUSTIC | TREMOLO TELECASTER] [WIND THROUGH EMPTY HENHOUSE | DISTANT THUNDER] [ONE SLOW CHICKEN CLUCK] [ROGER — DEEP, OMINOUS SPOKEN VOICE] They say a chicken's got a brain No bigger than a pea. Well... Nobody ever told them What happens when they die. [THREE SHARP WOODBLOCK HITS] [VERSE 1 — 112 BPM | COMIC COUNTRY ROCKABILLY] Old man Jenkins had a chicken farm About a mile outside of town. One October all his chickens died, And he buried every one in the ground. He dug their graves by the old oak tree, Put a little wooden cross on top. Said, "Rest in peace, my feathered friends," Then he closed up the chicken shop. But Halloween came with a blood-red moon, And something scratched beneath the clay. Twenty-seven rotten chicken claws Started digging their way! [DRUM ROLL | GONG CRASH] [CHORUS — 128 BPM | BIG ROCKABILLY] They're the walking dead! They're the feathered damned! They've got rotten little drumsticks And a deadly fighting stance! They're clucking in the moonlight! They're kicking down the door! They're the meanest bunch of poultry That you ever saw before! [CHICKEN CLUCKS — RHYTHMIC] BUK! BUK! BUK-KAW! [VERSE 2 — 136 BPM | TELECASTER CHICKEN-PICKING] Jenkins grabbed his twelve-gauge shotgun, But before he got a bead, A Rhode Island Red came flying With a spinning double-knee! A Leghorn hit him with a roundhouse, A Plymouth Rock attacked his shins. Then a bantam wearing half a head Came cartwheeling through the hens! He hollered, "WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?" As he landed in the hay. A rooster gave a bloodcurdling crow And kicked his shotgun away! [HARD STOP] [ROGER — SPOKEN] I ain't never seen a chicken do THAT! [SHARP MARTIAL-ARTS SHOUT] HAI-YAH! [VERSE 3 — 148 BPM | FAST PERCUSSION] They marched in rows across the barnyard, Eyes a-glowing sickly green. Every bird was missing feathers, And they smelled like gasoline. They broke the lock upon the farmhouse, Kicked the hinges off the door. Jenkins crawled beneath the table As they came across the floor. The biggest rooster stood before him, Raised one talon to the sky. Jenkins whispered, "Lord, have mercy," As the bird let out a cry! [HARD STOP — GONG] [ROGER — SPOKEN] And that's when I saw it... [LOW DRUM ROLL] [ROGER — SHOUTED] KFC! [CHORUS — 156 BPM | FULL BAND] KFC! KUNG FU CHICKENS! Coming back from underground! KFC! KUNG FU CHICKENS! Kicking everything around! They're dead! They're mean! They're turning green! They're the craziest damn birds That you've ever seen! KFC! KUNG FU CHICKENS! Better RUN when they come to town! [TELECASTER SOLO — BLISTERING ROCKABILLY] [WOODBLOCKS + GONG + RAPID DRUM FILLS] [VERSE 4 — 164 BPM] Jenkins made it to the highway, Flagged a passing pickup down. Said, "There's twenty-seven zombie chickens Fixing to destroy this town!" The driver laughed and called him crazy, Said, "Old man, you've lost your mind." Then a rooster hit the windshield With a flying kick from behind! The truck went spinning through a cornfield, Landed sideways in a ditch. The driver saw those glowing eyeballs— [STOP] [DRIVER — SHOUTED] SON OF A BITCH! [BREAKDOWN — 172 BPM | BASS + DRUMS] [ROGER — RAPID-FIRE SPOKEN COUNTRY RAP] One chicken! Two chickens! Three across the road! Four more doing cartwheels With a deadly payload! Five in the pickup! Six upon the roof! Seven little zombies Kicking everything in view! They're clucking! They're ducking! They're swinging from the trees! [ROGER — SHOUTED] SOMEBODY CALL THE KERNEL! WE GOT A POULTRY EMERGENCY! [EXPLOSIVE BAND RETURN] [FINAL CHORUS — 184 BPM | ALL-OUT ROCKABILLY] KFC! KUNG FU CHICKENS! Claws of death and eyes of flame! KFC! KUNG FU CHICKENS! Halloween will never be the same! They're kicking! They're pecking! They're raising holy hell! And if you hear a rooster crowing, Better RUN like hell! KFC! KUNG FU CHICKENS! The deadliest birds in town! [INSTRUMENTAL — 192 BPM] [TELECASTER / FIDDLE DUEL] [UPRIGHT BASS SLAP | POUNDING PIANO] [WILLIE — FRANTIC DRUM SOLO] [HUGE GONG | INSTANT SILENCE] [OUTRO — SLOW, EERIE | SINGLE RESONATOR] By sunrise all the birds were gone. The barnyard lay in ruin. Jenkins swore he'd never raise Another chicken as long as he was human. Then he found one final message Scratched into the farmhouse floor. Three letters, deep as talon marks, Right beside the broken door. [ROGER — WHISPERED WITH DREAD] K... F... C... [LONG PAUSE] [ROGER — SPOKEN] Well, I'll be damned. [BEAT] They've opened a franchise. [ONE CHICKEN CLUCK] [HARD CUT]
