[CHEAP AMERICAN FM STATION JINGLE] [ANNOUNCER] You’re listening to 104.2 FM. The only station whose legal department stopped answering the phone. [STATIC] [MEATBALL] Good evening, America. [THE CRACK] Don’t drag America into this. [MEATBALL] Fair. I’m Meatball. [THE CRACK] And I’m The Crack. [MEATBALL] Tonight we’ve got news, weather, financial advice from a guy who owes six collection agencies, and a new sponsor. [THE CRACK] Who? [MEATBALL] Restaurant. [THE CRACK] That’s not a name. [MEATBALL] That’s all the paperwork says. [STINGER] [THE CRACK] A new study says the average person should walk ten thousand steps every day. [MEATBALL] Ten thousand? Where the fuck are they going? [THE CRACK] Outside. [MEATBALL] Sounds dangerous. [THE CRACK] Doctors say regular exercise improves cardiovascular health. [MEATBALL] Doctors also tell you to stop drinking. [THE CRACK] Can’t trust extremists. [NEWS STINGER] [THE CRACK] The cost of living continues to rise. [MEATBALL] Not for me. I stopped paying bills. [THE CRACK] That’s not financial planning. [MEATBALL] It is if you change your phone number. [PHONE RINGS] [THE CRACK] Caller one, you’re live. [CALLER, BAD PHONE QUALITY] My girlfriend says I never listen. [MEATBALL] Sorry, what? [CALLER] Assholes. [CLICK] [THE CRACK] He absolutely will not be fine. [SHORT JINGLE] [ANNOUNCER] Tonight’s show is sponsored by… [LOUD GUITAR CHORD] THE FEEDLOT. [THE CRACK] That sounds like where cattle go before something terrible happens. [MEATBALL] Shut up. They paid cash. [COMMERCIAL BEGINS] [DEEP OVER-THE-TOP AMERICAN ANNOUNCER] ARE YOU HUNGRY? Not regular hungry. We mean shirt-buttons-begging-for-mercy HUNGRY. WELCOME TO… THE FEEDLOT. The restaurant that looked portion control in the eye and said: FUCK THAT. [COW MOO] [EXPLOSION] [ANNOUNCER] Try our legendary MOBILITY SCOOTER COMBO! Three double cheeseburgers. Twenty-four wings. Four pounds of fries. A bucket of gravy. Six mozzarella sticks thick enough to reinforce a basement. And one DIET SODA… because apparently you’re watching your fucking figure. [SODA POUR] [ANNOUNCER] Still hungry? Jesus Christ. Upgrade to the… LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THIS BASTARD PLATTER! Nine pounds of meat on a reinforced steel tray. No salad. No garnish. No dignity. Our servers don’t ask: “How would you like your steak?” They ask: “Do you have next of kin?” [SIREN] [ANNOUNCER] TAKE THE HUMAN LANDFILL CHALLENGE! Twelve thousand calories. Forty-five minutes. Finish everything and dessert is FREE! Fail… and let’s be honest… dessert was never the fucking problem. [CROWD ROARS] [ANNOUNCER] Every Feedlot booth is industrial-grade steel. Our chairs are tested to standards normally reserved for interstate overpasses. If your table starts making noises… STOP LEANING ON IT. [WHISPER] You know who you are. [DRAMATIC HIT] [ANNOUNCER] NEW THIS MONTH! THE GRAVY TROUGH! Why pour gravy when you can submerge dinner in it? Grab both handles. Dip. Lift. Consume. Regret. [SPLASH] [ANNOUNCER] And for our biggest customers… THE LAND WHALE BREAKFAST! Thirty sausages. Twenty eggs. Sixteen hash browns. A loaf of toast. And enough bacon to make a pig come back looking for revenge. [CHOIR] THE FEEEEEDLOT! [ANNOUNCER] COME IN HUNGRY. LEAVE GEOGRAPHICALLY LARGER. [FAST DISCLAIMER] The Feedlot accepts no responsibility for broken chairs, missing belt buckles, unexplained sweating, catastrophic pants failure, destroyed truck suspension, vanished necks, gravitational anomalies, emergency forklift deployment, or customers being visible from low Earth orbit. [HUGE VOICE] THE. FEED. LOT. [COW MOO] [EXPLOSION] [BACK TO STUDIO] [LONG SILENCE] [THE CRACK] What the fuck was that? [MEATBALL] Our sponsor. [THE CRACK] That wasn’t a restaurant commercial. [MEATBALL] What was it? [THE CRACK] A livestock warning. [MEATBALL] They gave us coupons. [THE CRACK] Burn them. [MEATBALL] Already used mine. [THE CRACK] When? [MEATBALL] During the commercial. [THE CRACK] That commercial was ninety seconds. [MEATBALL] I eat efficiently. [THE CRACK] What’d you order? [MEATBALL] Mobility Scooter Combo. [THE CRACK] You don’t own a mobility scooter. [MEATBALL] Give me twenty minutes. [CHEAP JINGLE] [ANNOUNCER] 104.2 FM. Making dead air sound increasingly attractive. [MEATBALL] Weather. [THE CRACK] Rain. [MEATBALL] Where? [THE CRACK] Outside. [MEATBALL] Outstanding journalism. [THE CRACK] Thank you. [MEATBALL] Coming up, we investigate whether energy drinks count as breakfast. [THE CRACK] They don’t. [MEATBALL] Quitter talk. [THE CRACK] And Meatball reviews a book. [MEATBALL] Haven’t read it. Three stars. [THE CRACK] Why? [MEATBALL] Nice cover. [OUTRO JINGLE] [ANNOUNCER] MEATBALL AND THE CRACK. 104.2 FM. If you learned anything tonight… please seek medical attention. [End]
