What’s Everybody Got Against Ice?

What’s Everybody Got Against Ice? [Intro] Meth Head: Yo… turn that up. Polar Bear: The news? Meth Head: Yeah. TV: “…continuing debate over ICE…” Meth Head: Aw hell. Polar Bear: Aw hell. Both: Not this again. ⸻ [Verse 1: Polar Bear] Woke up on a glacier, beautiful day, Caught a couple salmon, watched the seals play. Turned on the TV, nearly dropped my fish, Everybody yelling “ICE!” like it made a wish. I said, “Finally, people care!” About time, let’s go, Been losing half my neighborhood underneath the snow. Thought the whole world joined the cause, Thought we had support, Started making protest signs from an iceberg fort. Save the glaciers! Save the floes! Save the places where the northern ocean goes! Everybody screaming, Everybody loud, I was feeling pretty hopeful and unusually proud. ⸻ [Verse 2: Meth Head] I heard the same broadcast, Nearly passed away, Started deleting phone numbers before they could say my name. Thought the walls were listening, Thought my luck was cooked, Started throwing random stuff in places nobody looked. Buried cash in the backyard, Three feet deep, Then forgot exactly where and couldn’t get no sleep. Bought a fake mustache, Different hat, new shoes, Started talking in an accent every time I watched the news. Then they started mentioning Policies and states, I was sitting there confused for about eight straight days. Said, “This ain’t making sense, Why they talking like that? I thought we were discussing a completely different crack.” ⸻ [Chorus: Both] What’s everybody got against ICE? Everybody yelling, nobody says it twice. One of us thinks glaciers, One of us thinks meth, Both of us confused and stressed to death. What’s everybody got against ICE? Can somebody please be specific for our lives? Every time we hear it, Everything goes wrong, We’ve been in the wrong conversation all along. ⸻ [Verse 3: Polar Bear] I organized a rally, Made a giant snow sign, Spent three weeks preparing for my environmental time. Reporter walked over, Microphone in hand, Started asking questions I could not understand. She said, “What solutions would you recommend?” I said, “More winter.” She said, “Can you elaborate then?” I said, “Bigger icebergs. Less melting. More fish.” She stared at me so hard I thought I’d said some weird shit. The crowd got quiet, Everybody looked lost, I was wondering what exactly all this yelling cost. Then somebody whispered, “Bear, that’s not the ice they mean.” I said, “…there’s another one?” ⸻ [Verse 4: Meth Head] I spent six months nervous, Sleeping with one eye open, Every headline got me thinking I was somehow getting noticed. Bought binoculars, Night vision, Three spare phones, A shovel, two flashlights, and a garden gnome. Don’t ask why the gnome was part of the plan, I wasn’t exactly operating with a master plan. Then my cousin sat me down, Said, “Listen, dude. You have misunderstood literally every news story you’ve viewed.” I said, “Wait.” He said, “Yep.” I said, “Seriously?” He said, “Yep.” I said, “So all this panic was completely unnecessary?” He said, “Extremely.” ⸻ [Chorus: Both] What’s everybody got against ICE? Everywhere we go people arguing all night. One of us brought snowballs, One of us hid cash, Neither one of us understood what happened that fast. What’s everybody got against ICE? Communication really could’ve been more nice. Maybe use the full name, Help a brother out, Because we’re both still trying to figure this thing out. ⸻ [Bridge] Polar Bear: So you’re not talking about glaciers? Crowd: No. Meth Head: You’re not talking about meth? Crowd: No. Polar Bear: Not snow cones? Crowd: No. Meth Head: Not crystal? Crowd: NO! Polar Bear: Well this has been a weird year. Meth Head: You can say that again. ⸻ [Verse 5: Both] Polar bear got signs made, I bought survival gear, Both of us spent way too much money this year. He thought he found allies, I thought I was doomed, Turns out neither one of us understood the room. Now whenever somebody says it, We ask first thing, “Which one are we discussing before our anxiety swings?” Because life gets complicated When one little word Means three different things depending on what you’ve heard. ⸻ [Final Chorus: Both] What’s everybody got against ICE? At this point we’re scared to ask twice. One of us loves winter, One of us loves bad decisions, Neither one belongs in political discussions. What’s everybody got against ICE? Thank God somebody finally clarified tonight. Now if you’ll excuse us, We’re both heading home, One back to the Arctic and one back to his garden gnome. ⸻ [Outro] Polar Bear: You still never explained the gnome. Meth Head: Operational security. Polar Bear: That doesn’t explain anything. Meth Head: Exactly. Polar Bear: Fair enough.