Ladies and gentlemen… Please remain calm. The patient weighs four pounds. The drama weighs a ton. And the suspect… Is armed with a nail clipper. **** She came in sweet, with eyes so bright, A tiny angel, pure delight. A little kiss, a wagging tail, Who'd guess this dog could turn so pale? I took one paw. She gave a stare. The room grew cold. There was despair. Then suddenly, the sweet Chihuahua Became a furry opera star! Oh, she's the Claw-Clipping Queen, The wildest diva ever seen! One little snip, one tiny sound, And all four paws leave solid ground! She twists, she squirms, she cries, she pleads, She grows eight legs at lightning speed! A worm, a squid, a jellyfish— Good Lord, what creature is THIS?! Her legs turn soft, her bones disappear, She melts like butter when the clippers appear. A boneless blob, a floppy mess, A furry puddle of distress! She bends to left, she coils to right, She does the twist with all her might. A contortionist? A circus act? No, just a dog who's overreacted! Oh, she's the Claw-Clipping Queen, The wildest diva ever seen! One little snip, one tiny sound, And all four paws leave solid ground! She twists, she squirms, she cries, she pleads, She grows eight legs at lightning speed! A worm, a squid, a jellyfish— Good Lord, what creature is THIS?!! The first claw popped! A tiny *TICK!* She screamed as though I'd pulled a trick! She ducked! She dived! She hit the floor! Like bullets ricocheting off the door! She looked around in sheer despair, As if a sniper lurked somewhere! "WE'RE UNDER FIRE! ABANDON SHIP!" I hadn't even touched the next paw yet! **** I love you, darling. Yes, I do. But I have counted eight legs on you. I've checked the ceiling, walls and floor… WHY ARE YOU GROWING FOUR MORE?! **** At last, the battle reaches peace, Her screams and wiggles slowly cease. She gives me one last wounded glance, As if I'll never get the chance To earn forgiveness for my crime— A manicure that took all time. Then, like a queen of royal birth, She claims the softest throne on Earth! Now she's the Claw-Clipping Queen, The finest lady ever seen! Upon her pillows, soft and wide, She rests with royal grace and pride. No clippers now! No snips! No fright! Her royal claws get filed just right! A gentle rasp, a pampered paw, The finest service money never saw! **** And so, her royal highness lies… With sleepy paws and half-closed eyes. Her nails are filed. Her reign restored. Her human's broke. Her ego's soared. And me? I'll do it all again… Because she's cute. And I'm her staff. …Next time, I'm hiring a professional.
