Verse 1 He’s got a title, got a lanyard, Got a graph upon the wall, Got seventeen abbreviations That don’t mean much at all. He’s got a report in leather binding, Eighty-seven pages thick, Paid three hundred bucks an hour To explain the obvious quick. He says, “According to the data…” With a very serious face, While the bloke who paid the invoice Smiles quietly in his place. Pre-Chorus Peer reviewed. Consultant approved. Professionally dressed. Nicely moved. But if the answer was decided Before the questions had begun… Then congratulations, professor. You’ve polished up a turd for everyone. Chorus Experts in excretions, Qualified to speak, Turning piles of nonsense Into language rather sleek. Charts and consultations, Footnotes by the tonne, Beautifully bound and stamped… And still it smells like one. Experts in excretions, Certified and bright, Paid to tell the financier He was absolutely right. Independent opinion? Mate, pull the other one. Peer reviewed, consultant approved… And still it smells like one. Verse 2 Who funded the research? Who supplied the facts? Who chose what got measured? Who left something off the graphs? Who wrote the assumptions? Who decided what was true? Who hired the expert And what did they expect him to do? Now experts can be brilliant, And knowledge has its place, But credentials aren’t a halo Floating gently round your face. You can have twelve university degrees And still forget this bit: If evidence must match the invoice… You’re an expert in— Well, you get it. Chorus Experts in excretions, Qualified to speak, Turning piles of nonsense Into language rather sleek. Charts and consultations, Footnotes by the tonne, Beautifully bound and stamped… And still it smells like one. Experts in excretions, Certified and bright, Paid to tell the financier He was absolutely right. Independent opinion? Mate, pull the other one. Peer reviewed, consultant approved… And still it smells like one. Bridge Show me who paid you. Show me what you knew. Show me the evidence That disagrees with you. Show me what you left out. Show me where you’re wrong. Show me you can change your mind When better facts come along. Because expertise means nothing If questioning is banned. A certificate can frame the wall… But it cannot make you understand. Breakdown — spoken “Independent expert report.” Independent of what? Common sense? Conflict of interest? The truth? …Ah. Carry on. Final Chorus Experts in excretions, Highly qualified, Speaking with conviction While the sponsor stands beside. Graphs in presentation folders, Fancy words for fun, Peer reviewed, consultant approved… And still it smells like one. Experts in excretions, We’ll listen — but we’ll check. A title doesn’t mean we have to Switch off our intellect. So disclose who paid the invoice, Show your working when you’re done. Because beautifully bound excretions… Are still excretions, son. Outro Peer reviewed. Consultant approved. Professionally packaged. Still crap.
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