[STYLE: Comedic Country Christmas / Upbeat 6/8 Swing – banjo, fiddle, sleigh bells, crowd sing-along chorus] [VERSE 1] Grandpa took off Christmas Eve night, In that rusty old Cessna he adores. Said he’d “check the lights on the neighbors’ roofs,” But he should’ve checked his gauges more. The radar screen was blinkin’, the whiskey flask on the floor, He flew straight through a patch of stars, Where only reindeer go! [CHORUS] Grandpa crashed Santa’s sleigh last Christmas, Took out Dasher, Dancer too. Blitzen’s missin’ antlers, And Rudolph’s hobblin’ with one shoe. You can laugh, but it really happened— We still talk about that day— ‘Cause the cookies never made it, When Grandpa crashed Santa’s sleigh! [VERSE 2] He woke up in a snowdrift, With a cookie in his hand, Santa yelled, “You’re grounded, pal!” And banned him from the land. The elves declared a mayday, The toy shop’s in repair, And Grandpa’s on a no-fly list For Christmas everywhere! [CHORUS] Grandpa crashed Santa’s sleigh last Christmas, Tangled up in tinsel strings. Mrs. Claus was heard a-cussin’, Sayin’, “I told you not to trust them wings!” You can call it pilot error, Or blame the eggnog, either way— There’s tire tracks on the rooftop, Grandpa crashed Santa’s sleigh! [BRIDGE – fake sentimental moment] Now we hang his flight cap by the chimney, And toast to Christmas past... (Then suddenly—banjo solo kicks in!) But every time we hear those jingles, We duck ‘cause planes fly fast! [FINAL CHORUS – double tempo, full band] Grandpa crashed Santa’s sleigh last Christmas, Turned the North Pole upside-down. Reindeer filed for hazard pay, And elves all left the town! So if you see a blinking red light, Don’t wave or shout “ho-ho-ho!” It might not be ol’ St. Nicholas— It’s Grandpa, flyin’ low! [OUTRO – spoken over steel guitar & laughter] “Grandma, get the fire hose… He’s comin’ in hot again!”
