THE BRAIN OF COUNT CLUELESS

My lips glide smooth like a Casanova’s grin, Warm as candle wax melting on skin. Right leg springs tight like a track‑meet starter, Left hand steady as a surgeon’s marker. Brush‑stroke fingers, heartbeat pacing… Thump‑thump, stomp‑stomp, stitched‑up racing… Right hand dances like a pianist’s breeze, Arms built thick like they wrestle trees. Chest carved wide like a weight‑room statue, Every mirror I pass whispers “Look at you.” But when I try to tie my boots, My fingers freeze like tangled roots. When I reach for bread, I drop the knife — Why’s every simple thing a fight? ’Cause I’ve got the brain of Count Clueless! Hopeless! Brainless! Ohhh, that explains it… Baron von Blunder’s thoughts in my skull, A not‑so‑mighty thinker with the volume on full. Why’d Frankenstein skip the scientist shelf — And stick someone else’s brain on the top of myself? Hips sway smooth like a ballroom dancer, Feet tap quick like a marathon prancer. Bum cheeks firm like a nutcracker’s bite — Snap like winter branches in the moonlit night. Click‑clack, tap‑tap, spotlight shimmer… Boom‑boom, shake‑shake, stage‑light glimmer… Face framed sharp like an actor’s pose, Voice rings bright like a singer’s prose. Eyes shine blue like a storybook prince, Hair flows long — shampoo‑commercial rinse. But when I try to read a map, My thoughts collapse like a soggy flap. When I try to flirt, I lose my place — Words fall out all over the place. ’Cause I’ve got the brain of Count Clueless! Baron von Blunder’s spark in my head! A not‑so‑mighty thinker stumbling through life — Why not give me your brain, Doc, instead? Imagine me with a scientist’s mind, Thoughts lined up like beads in a line… No sparks, no smoke, no wires crossed… Mmm‑hmm, no brilliance lost… I’d use these parts the way they’re meant — No more tripping over my own intent. But I’ve got the brain of Count Clueless, And maybe that’s my secret twist. Baron von Blunder’s spark keeps me wild — A not‑so‑mighty thinker, but a lovable child. So if you see me stumble by — With perfect parts and puzzled eyes… Just wave hello, don’t overthink… I’m the monster built to dance, not think! “Next time, Doc… maybe label the jars.”