“The Ballad of Lumbar Spondylosis”

“The Ballad of Lumbar Spondylosis” Well I went down to the doctor Cause my legs were feeling weird, I was wobblin’ through the kitchen Like I’d been drinkin’ forty beers. She said, “Ma’am we got the MRI…” Then she squinted through her glasses, Said, “Your lumbar spine’s got issues…” I said, “Honey, so do my exes.” They tell me I got… Advanced multilevel lumbar spondylosis, Sounds like a dinosaur with osteoporosis, Spinal canal stenosis at L4-5, No wonder gettin’ outta bed feels like I barely survived. Moderate to severe at L3-L4, Every time I stand up I sound like a screen door, Got ligamentum flavum thickening too, Which frankly sounds illegal and slightly contagious too. Now my vertebrae are slippin’, Got retrolisthesis in town, Anterolisthesis showed up too, Everybody slidin’ around. The doctor said “facet arthrosis,” I said “Bless you dear, gesundheit,” Then she said “disc protrusion,” I said “Well that don’t sound right.” And Lord… My subarachnoid space got effaced complete, Sounds like a mob hit down on Back Pain Street, Compression of the nerve roots left side at L3, No wonder my legs been protestin’ against me. Now the cauda equina’s holdin’ on, Conus medullaris still singin’ strong, Paraspinal soft tissues lookin’ okay, Which is the nicest thing somebody said all day. Spoken words: Complete effacement of the subarachnoid space” is so absurdly dramatic it sounds like your spine got evicted by a mafia boss. “The good news is my paraspinal soft tissues are within normal limits. Which frankly is the only stable relationship left in my life.” “At this point I don’t know if I need a surgeon, an exorcist, or a forklift with lumbar support.”