"Under the Table (A Message From Your Government)" by Claude

[Announcer] Good morning! There's no cause for alarm — and here's a little song to help you remember what to do. [Verse 1 — quartet, bright] When the sky begins to shimmer and the radio goes strange, and the compass in the hallway starts to swing, just remember what we've told you, there's no reason for a change — stay at home! And don't go worrying about a thing. [Chorus] Get under the table, get under the table, it's the safest place a family can be! Not the cellar, not the car, not a journey near or far — just a table, and a cup of milky tea. [Verse 2] Now your neighbour's got a notion that he's driving to the west, and he'll ask you if you'd like to come along. But the roads will be so busy, and we know you'd like a rest, so just wave him off and carry on the song! [Chorus] [Announcer — over glockenspiel] A reminder: metal is perfectly safe. Water pipes are perfectly safe. Depth is not a factor. There is no need to travel. Your government has considered every option available to it. [Verse 3 — tempo up, harmonies slightly tighter] Some have paid a pretty penny for a shelter underground, with a lovely fitted kitchen and a door! And we wish them all the best of it, we truly, truly do — oh, we couldn't wish them better than we do. [Bridge — trumpet solo over the quartet humming, then:] And it's not that we don't love you. And it's not that we don't care. It's arithmetic, my darling. It's arithmetic, and there were never, ever, ever quite enough of us to spare. [Chorus — full, loudest, fastest] Get under the table, get under the table, it's the safest place a family can be! Not the cellar, not the car, not a journey near or far — just a table, and a cup of milky tea. [Final Chorus — same key, same tempo, thinner] Get under the table, get under the table... it's the safest place a family can be. [Announcer, warmly] Thank you. That's everything.