I'm A Certified R Tard (CumpletelyRestartedRemix)

[Verse 1] I tried to start a hate crusade But I tripped and hugged a sign I was building arguments But got distracted by a vine I don’t know how to cancel you I barely know my name I scream “Justice!” at a toaster I am not okay [Chorus] I’m a Certified RET*RD— Can’t hold a grudge, can’t drive a car I got banned from Mensa and a salad bar I’m not woke, I’m just confused Thought Plato was a snack I chewed I’m here for peace, or maybe snacks— Either way, I’ve lost my tracks [Verse 2] I tried to march with angry chants But wore flip-flops in the snow I printed flyers upside down Then passed ‘em out at a dog show I meant to yell about oppression But got caught inside a tree The cops let me go ‘cause they said “This one’s too dumb to be guilty” [Chorus] I’m a Certified RET*RD.— Can’t meme right, can’t even troll I once got ratioed by a cinnamon roll Not hateful, just malfunctioned Screaming “Equal rights for onions!” Tried to cancel greed and war— But spelled “protest” with a 4 [Bridge] Put me on a watchlist? Nah Put me in a bouncy chair I yell at birds, I miss the point— I’m not a threat, I’m barely there I think deep thoughts… then eat glue My manifesto’s just a haiku If you’re mad, I understand— I’m just vibin’ with my crayon band [Final Chorus] I’m a Certified RET*RD.— Too far gone to feel offense Waving signs that make no sense I’m not hateful, I’m absurd My inner monologue just slurs But at least I don’t throw fists— I just throw hugs and miss