[Intro - Fast, eerie minor-key guitar picking] [Verse One] He’s out on the moor with a head-torch from Lidl While the wind starts to play him like a rusty old fiddle He’s looking for the panther, he’s looking for the cat While wearing a very suspicious-looking hat (It’s a deerstalker!) He’s got a pack of Bernard Matthews ham for the bait While standing in a bog in a terrible state He heard a little rustle and he nearly had a stroke He’s the bravest little hunter of the Bodmin folk One, Two, Three, Four, Five... the moor is very wide And he’s got no place for his ego to hide! [Chorus] He’s hunting the beast but he’s found a wet shoe! He doesn't have a clue what he’s trying to do! (Pussycat!) He’s stuck in the mud up to his knobbly knees While he’s begging for mercy from the Bodmin breeze! He’s a cryptozoologist with a brain like a prune Howling like a dog at the Cornish moon! [Verse Two] [Rapid, panicked rap] Six Hundred and Sixty Six sheep in the mist And he’s convinced that the monster is starting to exist But it’s just a stray tabby with a bit of a limp And he’s looking like a very damp, middle-aged wimp (Absolute muppet!) He fell into a ditch and he lost his car keys Now he’s crawling through the gorse on his hands and his knees Sixty Nine minutes since his phone battery died He’s got nothing but his tears and his wounded pride One Thousand calories of pure raw fear He’s the biggest idiot of the calendar year! [Outro] [Fast, chaotic guitar strumming] The only beast here is your own stupidity! You’ve got the survival skills of a cup of tea! Nine, Eight, Seven, Six! Get yourself home and stop being a prannet! [Sound of a cat meowing] Look out behind you!
