(Intro) (Creepy music box — ding… ding… ding…) Hello, motherfuckers… Welcome to the internet. Where the Wi-Fi is strong… But the mental health is WEAK! (Demonic laughter — HAHAHAHAHA!) HENTAI ON THE MONITOR! FIVE HUNDRED TABS! WHO THE FUCK LEFT THE WEBCAM ON?! (Windows error sound — DING!) Oh, hell nah… TURN THAT SHIT OFF! (808 bass drop — BWAAAAAAM!) (Verse 1) Walk in the room, everybody go silent, Dude dressed like a villain, acting extra violent. Got anime pillows stacked up to the ceiling, Bro’s got a body pillow with a damn healing feeling! (Record scratch — SKRRRT!) He says, “I’m a legend, I’m mysterious and cool!” Bro eats cereal with a fork like a fool! Got sunglasses on while he’s gaming at night, And he argues with his toaster when it burns his toast right! (Toaster pops — DING!) Hentai tabs open, browser looking possessed, Incognito mode ain’t hiding that mess! His search history needs its own damn priest, Even Google said, “I’m logging out, beast!” (Computer error — BEEP! BEEP!) He calls himself Solo, says he walks alone, But he talks to his microwave like it’s taking him home. Got no social skills, got a haunted-ass grin, When he says, “Come inside,” I’m not coming in! (Pre-Chorus) Lights go out, hear a noise upstairs, Something in the bathroom cutting its hair! Mirror says, “Run!” and the floorboards squeak, I saw this motherfucker and I haven’t slept in a week! (Whisper: “He’s behind you…”) (Loud scream — AAAAAAAH!) (Chorus) FREAK SHOW! FREAK SHOW! What the fuck is going on?! Weird-ass dude with the lights turned on! Gay, straight, bi—everybody’s cool, But this dude’s got beef with a swimming-pool noodle! FREAK SHOW! FREAK SHOW! Somebody get this man a therapist, bro! Hentai on the screen, got the bass down low, I’m sleeping with the lights on everywhere I go! (Crowd chanting: “THAT’S NOT NORMAL! THAT’S NOT NORMAL!”) (Beat drops — BOOM! BOOM!) (Verse 2) Your black ass, my white ass, everybody’s in the room, Whole damn place smelling like impending doom. Gay-ass jokes flying, the boys talk trash, Then somebody farted and the whole crew dashed! (Wet fart sound — PFFFRRRT!) WHO DID THAT?! (Silence.) It was Solo. (Record scratch.) OH, HELL NO! He got a weird little shuffle, got a weird little walk, Makes eye contact with a wall when he’s trying to talk. Says, “I’m him,” but the mirror says, “Who?” Even his reflection packed a bag and moved! (Glass shatter — KSHHH!) He watches horror movies just to fall asleep, But a rubber duck squeak makes him jump six feet. Got a monster under the bed? Nah, that’s a lie— The monster under his bed filed a restraining order and said goodbye! (Police siren — WEE-OOO! WEE-OOO!) He tried to act sexy, struck a pose in the dark, Pulled a hamstring doing something to his back! (Pain grunt — UGH!) Now he’s on the floor yelling, “CALL MY MOM!” While the haunted Alexa keeps playing his song! (Alexa-style voice: “Playing: Embarrassing Moments, Volume One.”) (Pre-Chorus) Lights go out, hear a noise upstairs, Something in the bathroom cutting its hair! Mirror says, “Run!” and the floorboards squeak, I saw this motherfucker and I haven’t slept in a week! (Whisper: “He’s behind you…”) (Loud scream — AAAAAAAH!) (Chorus) FREAK SHOW! FREAK SHOW! What the fuck is going on?! Weird-ass dude with the lights turned on! Gay, straight, bi—everybody’s cool, But this dude’s got beef with a swimming-pool noodle! FREAK SHOW! FREAK SHOW! Somebody get this man a therapist, bro! Hentai on the screen, got the bass down low, I’m sleeping with the lights on everywhere I go! (Crowd chanting: “THAT’S NOT NORMAL! THAT’S NOT NORMAL!”) (Bridge) (Beat slows. Distorted music box plays.) At 3 AM, heard a knock on the door… I said, “Who’s there?” A voice said… “I’M SOLO.” (Heartbeat — THUMP… THUMP… THUMP…) I checked the peephole… NOBODY THERE. Then my phone lit up. (Phone notification — DING!) “Sent you 47 pictures.” (Long silence.) FORTY-SEVEN?! BRO, I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU! (Demonic laughter grows louder.) The Wi-Fi disconnects… The lights begin to flicker… My TV turns on… And the screen says: “EPISODE TWO STARTS NOW.” (Massive horror sting — BWAAAAAAAH!) (Outro) (Beat returns with a ridiculous bassline.) Hentai! Weird guys! Haunted Wi-Fi! Solo in the corner eating cold French fries! Everybody’s strange, everybody’s odd, But this motherfucker needs an exorcist, God! (Priest voice: “The power of Christ compels you!”) (Solo voice: “Can I borrow your charger?”) GET THE FUCK OUT! (Door slam — BANG!) (Whisper from the darkness: “One more episode…”) (Windows shutdown sound.) END.
